Love, Raphie
by The Next Author
Summary: There's a difference between choosing to leave and not choosing to. You chose to leave. You could have came back. You didn't. I hate you. -Love Raphie
1. Prologue

**Love, Raphie**

 **A/N: This story is set after the episode of** _ **The Lonely Mutation of Baxter Stockman.**_ **I put in Mona Lisa to the advantage of this story. And I love Mona Lisa despite what I say, just so you know. Enjoy and, so I don't have to say this later, I'd love to hear your opinion. Now get reading!**

 **Prologue**

We were fine for a week. We didn't need to be a foursome. We were fine as a threesome. We didn't need him.

That there is a lot of we's.

But a week was all we needed to start breaking. We started falling apart. The glue to our family had disappeared.

In the beginning it didn't matter. He was just something in my way. He was over reacting. He'll be home in a week.

And when he wasn't, I began to sink. I had no reason to stay afloat. No reason to resurface.

I haven't come up for air since.


	2. He's just over reacting

**Chapter 1- He's just over reacting**

 **A week earlier…**

"Your brothers don't like me."

I look at Mona Lisa like she's crazy. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Plum purple skin, dark brown eyes and beautiful pearly teeth. My heart skips a beat every time I see her.

"What?" I growl, "How could they hate you?"

Mona looks toward the dojo door, then back at me. I melt. "Your little brothers do nothing but talk about how horrible I am." I frown. I know Mikey and Donnie do that but since Mona is like me, it's not as unusual for me. I guess it would be unusual for her.

She sighs, "Then there's that big brother of yours."

Uh-oh. She's dragging Leo into this. She knows I don't like talking about Leo. Not since Spike said he couldn't wait to harm Leo. I don't need that to happen again.

"What does he do?" I ask, swallowing hard.

Mona starts to pace. I don't like it when she paces. It makes me antsy. "It's just…he's a jerk, Raph." She growls, "You say he's selfless, but he defiantly acts like a jerk around me. He acts like I'm the devils spawn every time he sees me."

"Leo has a tendency to treat people he doesn't lit that way," I say. That statement is partly true. He treats me like a jerk but I know he loves me. I mean, I'm his brother. Of course he loves me….right?

"All I'm saying is that Leo and the rest of your brothers don't treat me right. You should make them treat me better?"

I hold in a sigh. Mona Lisa always telling me to do this or do that. I usually do what she wants but sometimes I can' help but wonder if she would beat Leo in a boss-everyone-around tournament. Never mind, he'd always win. Leo always take things down to the bitter end.

"Okay," I say, standing. Mona Lisa is already leaving. She always leaves when the clock reaches six on the dot. You know what…she always does a lot of stuff when she's over here.

I follow here out. Leo is sitting in front of the TV, staring at _Space Heroes._ Donnie and Mikey are sitting at the table playing a card game. Once Mona is gone, I start to talk.

"Alright, guys, here's the game plan. You guys start being nicer to Mona Lisa and I won't pond you. Capice?"

Donnie nods his head, still staring at this cards. Mikey looks at me in fearful way so I know he will agree.

"Why?" I hear Leo ask, "So your girlfriend can just control you some more. So your girlfriend can just take control of this house."

"And you," I growl angrily, turning to by big brother," You can be a whole lot nicer! You are just a fat jerk around her!"

"I wouldn't be a big fat jerk if she wasn't a big fat jerk. I protect this family, Raph. She is an enemy to us-"

"To _you."_ I snap," You hate her! Why can't you accept that I have found someone who loves me as I am!?"

Leo turns to me, his eyes hard, "You didn't accept it when I found Karai."

"That is a big difference, Leo!"

Leo shrugs, rolls his eyes and turns back to the TV.

Anger boils in me. How dare he compare Mona Lisa to Karai, that wretch! I'll teach him a lesson. It's about time he got one.

"Fine, if you want the hard way, I'll give it to ya'!" I stomp over to the table and pick up a leather brown book. Leo has been working on this thing for ages. I don't know what he does in this, but I know I've seen him write and draw and stick things in here.

I bring the book out to the kitchen and over to our little pool Donnie accidently turned our pool to acid a few days back and sis till festering with the stuff. I hold the book over the pool and yell Leo's name. He turns around. His eyes grow as big as the moon.

"Raph…put the book down," He slowly says, standing.

"Say you'll be nice to my girlfriend then."

"Raph," Donnie starts," think about-"

"Shut up, Donnie!" I snap.

Leo is a foot way form me now. He is pale, so I know this book is very precious to him. "Raph, just please put the book down."

"Make your promise first." I say, pretending to drop the book.

Leo flinches," Raph, put it down!"

I snort and pretend to drop it again. Leo lurches on his feet but doesn't come closer.

"Promise me, Leo." I growl.

Leo's eyes are pleading," Please, put it down."

"What happened to material processions are fleeting," I mock," What happened to-"

Then everything turns into a blur as something falls from the book. It makes a splash in the acid, drops flying onto my feet. I yelp and the book flies from my hands. Leo screams. The book hits the acid the same time as Leo's hand does as he reaches to catch the book. My brother lets out the most agonizing scream I've ever heard.

I blink and the book is gone. Leo is on his knees, staring at where the book disappeared, nursing his hand. The hand is bloody and red now, no sign of green anywhere. Leo closes his eyes and I almost think I see a tear fall from his face.

Donnie and Mikey stare a t me in horror. They must know what was in that book if their looking at me that way.

"L-Leo," I mumble, reaching for my brother," I didn't mean to drop it. I swear I didn't. Y-your hand. Donnie needs to look at it. It looks real bad, Leo-"

As my fingers touch his shoulder, Leo recoils from me like I am the acid he touches. Like he is an abuse dog and I am his abuser.

"Don't touch me" he hisses, voice cracking, "Don't talk to me." His eyes open and they are empty. Its' like all the life has been drained form him. He won't look at me and in my mind, I beg him to. Leo stands and starts for the door, holding his injured hand. "I can't be our brother anymore. I just can't take it. I just can' live in this hell-hole anymore."

Wait. Is…is he serious?

"Leo," I call, surprised at how weak my voice is," Leo wait-"

He's gone before I can even take as step. The door slams and a rattle starts in my chest.

Donnie shakes as he quietly says," Oh my-"

"WHAT IS GOING ON OUT THERE?" I hear Splinter yell from his bed room. We have awaken him from his nap.

"Leo left," Mikey calls back swiftly.

Splinter sounds confused," What?"

"He over reacted," I snap. "All over a stupid book. It's nothing, Sensei. He'll be back before dawn like normal."

Leo always comes back before dawn when he's out. So why do I feel like I've made the greatest mistake of my life.

Donnie and Mikey are still staring at me. I grow at them as I walk by them. "This wouldn't' have happened if he had listened to me."

Don shakes his head and says under his breath, "This wouldn't have happened if you actually cared for him."

I shove Donnie back into the table and take off to my room before Master Splinter can ask me what I was doing.

"You're an idiot, Leo" I mutter, slamming my door. "You want to play dirty…" I stare at the picture on my wall of Leo. He is laying on his side and I am curled into him. We both have an arm around each other, sleeping. I grab that picture and crumple it in my hand, "…then I'll play dirty, too."

With that, I make a perfect hoop into my garbage can.

* * *

 _Dear Leo,_

 _What are you doing, you jerk? My job is to walk out, not yours! Anyway, I thought to call you when I was all alone in my room. But I knew you wouldn't answer me. I didn't want to tick you off more than I already had._

 _Did you know I miss Spike? I hate that he got turned into a monster. I hate that he's gone. He was the only one I could talk to. I guess I have you but you'll never read these letters. Not until I want you to. Or I'm dead. But it doesn't matter because I'm not going to be there when you do._

 _I'll write later, bro._

 _-Raphael_

 _P.S. I'm really sorry for telling you off. See you later, kay, bro._

 **A/N: I'm feeling good about this story. It is so fun to write. I hope you readers enjoyed it. I want your opinion. Till the next chapter The Next Authors oath.**


	3. The Dump

**Chapter 2- The Dump**

I blink awake at the sound of pans clanking against each other. My brown book with gold writing on the front that reads _Journal_ lies on my chest. The last thing I remember is writing _later, kay, bro._ I groan as I sit up, letting the book fall into my lap. The event of last night come back and I wonder if Leos' back yet. He has to be if Mikey's out there yellin'.

I climb out of bed, and do my morning routine; I stare at the picture of me and family as I re-put my bandana on. Then I put my belt on, and check my belt pockets for the picture I carry everywhere. No one has ever seen this picture except me. It's my picture and only mine. Last, I grab my phone to check for messages and put my "Journal" away. It's not really a journal to me. I don't do journals. I do letters. For Sensei's sake, not mine.

The only messages I have is one from Casey, saying he's out of town for the weekend and another from Mona saying "I love you." I quickly text her back while waking down to the kitchen. To be honest, I thought Leo might have texted or at least tried to call, but he didn't.

As I enter the kitchen, I hear a smack. I look up to see Donnie smacking the toaster against the counter. Mikey looks on from the table, while eating scrambled eggs.

"Uh…Donnie," I call," What are you doing?"

Donnie throws the toaster down and looks at me," The toaster isn't working again. We're gonna have to go to the dump tonight."

I groan. I hate going to the dump. Not only is it gross as the sewers, but when _I_ go, I have to pack everything Don finds back home. And half that stuff usually ends up being taller than me.

I look around, and I notice that Leo's Japanese rice bowl isn't out on the cupboard like it always is. I frown in concern.

"Donnie, Leo isn't back yet?"

Donnie just kinda looks at me, "No, he's not. I texted him, asking about his hand, and he said he's got it covered and he said he might be back tonight. He's not sure yet."

"What?!" I growl angrily, snatching the last piece of well-done toast, "What do you mean he doesn't know!?"

Donnie's eyes turn hard," What do you care, Raph? You're the one who sent him away."

"Leo was over reacting-"

"DANG IT, RAPH, IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE BOOK!" Donnie never swears. Leo doesn't like people swearing, so if he's around, nobody curses. Donnie doesn't curse period because he always wants Leo to be proud of him. And Mikey's so stupid he doesn't even know what swearing is.

I bit my lip angrily, then growl," Then _what_ is it about?"

Donnie crinkles up his beak, squinting," This is about everything you've ever done to him."

I open my mouth to object but Don's phone goes off, signaling a call from April. He answers it immediately, and walks off. I snort. Leo would never leave one of our spats for a phone call. What a jerk.

I turn to yell at Mikey but he's already gone, leaving nothing but a licked clean plate. So I spend my morning alone, eating eggs and tearing apart toast when usually I'd be spending this time with Leonardo.

* * *

Leo's still not home yet. Well, Mikey hasn't _texted_ us that Leo has come home yet.

Donnie and I are out in the dump, picking up toaster parts and every other thing Donnie deems important. We've been out for an hour. Usually I'd be sweating up a storm, even on a cold night like this one. But tonight, I'm freezing for a change. Also for a change, Leo isn't here. He usually comes to give us company and extra hands. Tonight, though, everything feels…well…empty-handed, so to speak.

I look at this new toaster Donnie found for back up. It's dirty but shiny. I can see my reflection. It makes my beak look big.

I look at the rest of the parts Donnie's gathered, observing it. I wonder…

"Raph," I hear Donnie say. I look up, expecting him to be holding something else for me to carry. Instead, he's still walking, trying to make conversation," I bet Leo's just blowing off steam."

"Why would he need to blow off steam?"

"Because he's a living person, Raph. He gets angry, too."

"What does that mean?"

Donnie groans, pinching the bridge of his beak. "Oh, Raphael, I worry about you sometimes. You put Leo into this perfect glass bubble, Raph. You see him as a perfect man who has no feeling, no opinions. You see him as a turtle who can make no mistakes. And if his bubble shatters, you put him in another, like it never broke."

My anger is coming up again, "I don't put him in a bubble! I know Leo is a living being! I'm not an idiot!"

Donnie looks back at me, sadly, "Then why do you treat him like he isn't one."

If I hadn't been carrying a bunch of _garbage_ , I would have punched Donnie like a punching bag. So instead, I say, "How about you go find your royal highness and bow to his o' so glorious butt!"

Donnie shakes his head," As I said. Bubble."

With that, we don't talk for the rest of the night. And when morning comes, hours later, I find Leo still hasn't come home!

Well, you know what?

For all I care, Leo and Donnie can go to hell!

* * *

 _Dear Donnie,_

 _I knew I'd eventually write to you. I honestly can't believe this is my first letter to you. I've written to everybody else but you. Anyway, remember all that techy junk you got from the dump the other day? You know that toaster? Well, it burnt me. It shocked me when I plugged it in. I would have complained to Spike about you. But since he's gone, I can't. Maybe I'll tell Casey, since you two hate each other so much._

 _With all that junk of yours, I'm starting to wonder if you're rebuilding those go karts. Why? What's the point? We'll probably never use them again, you know._

 _Leo is still missing, Donnie. He's been missing for three days. You say he's just blowing off steam. I don't believe you. You'd think he'd be worried about us since he's our big brother, our mother hen. But since he isn't, I don't have to worry about him, either. That's fine, though. I don't care about him, anyway._

 _-Raphael_


	4. His Call

**Chapter 3- His Call**

1…2…3…4…

Four days. That's how long he's been gone. I'm so mad at him, yet I'm counting the days he's been gone. I think we should go out and look for him but Sensei says he's fine.

Whatever. I don't care. I know I don't. I don't.

WHY CAN'T I CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I DON'T CARE!? What is wrong with me!?

From my spot on the couch, I hear Master Splinter's cheese phone ring. To my surprise, I feel my heart skip a beat.

 _Leo!_

I feel like I can't control myself as I throw down my magazine. My legs move as fast as they can to the dojo door. I get there right as my father says," Moshi, Moshi." I press myself to the door, and listen in on the conversation.

"Leonardo?" Splinter says," is that you?"

 _Is that you!?_ What kind of question is that!? What father doesn't know the voice of his own kid?!

"Leonardo, where are-"

He pauses. I can almost hear Leo's voice from here.

"Leonardo, you're being very rebellious. I really hope this is a phase and you'll be done with this soon. Leonardo, are you listening?"

Leo. A rebellious phase. That's something you don't hear every day. But you don't hear Leo yell every day, either. I can _really_ hear my big brother from here now.

 _"_ _A phase! A phase! Is that all this is!? A phase!"_

"Do not give me back talk, Leonardo. You are coming home tonight, you hear me!? And when you get home you're grounded!"

 _"_ _You can't make me! I'll stay here as long as I want! I'm done being your trophy!"_

"Leonardo, I am your father and your Sensei! You will-"

 _"_ _I don't have to listen! What if I join the Foot? Will any body care then!? I doubt it! Face it, Splinter! You rendered your perfect, slap-happy son to a rebellious monster who's' going to be as bad as Raphael!"_

What!? They're dragging me into this! I don't want to listen but… I have to.

"Raphael is-"

 _"_ _You know it's true. Admit it. Now that I am gone, I'm turning into a quote "naïve child" while Raph gets his position as favorite."_

Naïve child? Are they talking about me? Shell, this feels like hell. Leo and Splinter are arguing and I'm getting sucked right into it. Shell, my world is falling apart and I can't stop it.

"Leonardo," Splinter's voice is starting to weaken. He's fearing Leo's next words," Please…"

 _"_ _I'm not sorry,"_ Leo's voice says, " _I can't be in a place where the air is so thick with hatred and wishes of perfection. They'll do better without me, anyway-"_

"Leonardo," Splinter interrupts," this isn't about me, is it? This is about Raphael."

There's a pause on the other end of the line. I hold my breath, waiting for Leo's answer. I don't want to hear it. Somehow, I'm scared of his answer.

But he takes his time answering. Finally, I hear his voice say," _Don't tell him I called. Good-bye."_

"Leonardo?" Splinter says over and over. Leo hung up. I peer into the dojo. Sensei is slowly placing the phone down. He looks…sad. Hurt. He puts a hand to his face and sighs, "Oh, Shen, where did I go wrong?"

Slowly, silently, I back away from the door, then I sprint to my room, where I spend the rest if the day, trying to shake myself out of the shock of Leo screaming at our father. At the very man he craves to please! And…the fact he didn't answer Splinter's last question, or, I guess, statement.

 _This isn't about me, is it? This is about Raphael._

Leo…are you okay? If you tell me what's wrong, I promise, I'll fix it the best I can. But… is this, your leaving, really about me?

* * *

I come out for pizza/dinner and my eyes wander to Leo's seat. I keep expecting him to be there, but he isn't.

I sit opposite of Mikey. I take small bites, my stomach not wishing to digest food. Eventually, I stop eating cause I feel like if I eat any more, I'll throw up.

"Raph, are you okay?" Mikey asks, stealing a glance at my half-finished pizza. Before I can answer, Sensei walks in, still looking depresses.

"Master Splinter," Donnie says.

Splinter looks at us. But it seems like he's trying to avoid looking at me. Does _he_ think it's my fault Leo left?

I feel even sicker now.

"My sons, Leonardo called," Splinter says," He is staying at April's. He says he needs time to collect himself, and he'll be home soon."

 _LIAR!_ Leo never said that! He lied! My father lied straight to me! Just so Leo could get what he wanted!

Splinter finally looks at me. But I can't stand to see him now. I slam my hands against the table than march out of the kitchen. I can feel Splinters eyes burn into my back. I can't decide which person I hate more for lying to me.

Splinter or Leo.

And crazy thing being, they're the two most important people in my life.

And they betrayed me.

I slam my bedroom door shut. I want to scream and punch the walls till I can't feel anything anymore. Till Leo feels it and comes home and apologizes.

 _I hate them,_ I think, as I fall onto my bed, almost sobbing.

I hate them all.

* * *

 _Leo,_

 _You jerk, you're tearing down my entire world! Isn't leaving enough?! Now you have to lie and make Father lie, too! I hate you!_

 _I guess you're not coming back anytime soon, though, huh. Sensei said you were staying at April's. I should have guessed you were staying there but I wasn't trying to. I just thought you'd come home._

 _I won't tell Sensei this, but I listened in on your conversation. I was scared of Splinters voice. It sounded like you were both in a nightmare and I was being dragged into it with you. I feel really sick. I can't stop thinking about you. I guess I've been pretending you were here when you really aren't._

 _I've been guessing on a lot of stuff, huh._

 _I'm going to stop writing for now. If I don't, I might tear up this letter._

 _\- Raphael_


	5. Where'd You Go

**Chapter 4- Where'd you go**

"Raphie! Raphie, wake up!"

I groan as Mikey pushes and jabs my arm. I try to push him away growling, "Mikey, go back to bed. Whatever it is, it can wait till morning."

As this is all happening, my brain is doing that weird counting thing. Every time I wake up, I start counting the days that Leo has been gone. Today is the ending of the fifth and beginning of the sixth.

"No, Raph," Mikey says urgently," This is really important. Leo has gone missing."

All I hear is _Leo_ and _Missing_. Mikey screams as I throw him off the bed and scramble to get my bandana, belt and Sai's.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S MISSING?" I hiss.

"He's missing." Mike simply says, irritating me even more.

I push past Mikey and move to the door, determined to find Donnie and get some answers from him. Donnie is out with Splinter waiting by the front door.

"Donnie, explain to me what the shell is going on!?" I demand.

We walk out of the lair and start to the surface. Donnie is walking so fast, that I have to jog to keep up with him.

"April called me about fifteen minutes ago. Leo isn't at her apartment."

"Well, can't he go out-"

"He's been gone since yesterday morning, Raph. He hasn't come back and his phone's tracker is blocked."

I almost stop moving. Leo and missing should never go together.

"Well, maybe…maybe…" I can't think of anything. The worst is running through my head. Kraang took him for an experiment. Shredder killed him and left him in an alley. Slash got his hands on him.

I take out my phone as Splinter and Donnie climb up to the surface. I text Casey and Mona to watch out for Leo in case he swings by. Then I climb up after Mikey.

At the top, Splinter splits us up. I'm given the west end toward Brooklyn. I take off as soon as the words leave his mouth.

 _Leo_ , I think as my feet slap against the apartment and restaurant roof tops, _what are you doing? You're freaking us all out. Stop it. Come home._

There is no sign of him. But I haven't really been looking. I think I've just been running, letting my pent up emotions out and thinking of reasons why Leo left us, why he's missing.

I've been running for about an hour when I reach the Brooklyn Bridge. Cars of all sorts pass across it, making the scene as beautiful as Mona Lisa.

I smile at it. I look over at Leo, expecting him to smile either at me or at the scenery that I know he would love. But all I smile at is air.

With a sigh, I plunk down on the edge of the building, letting my legs dangle over the edge. That bridge reminds me of the little trip Leo and I had about two weeks ago. And as I stare at it, it starts to feel like I'm learning to drive all over again…

* * *

 _The van door slams and I turn, expecting to see Sensei fastening his seat belt. Instead, I see Leo in a leather jacket and jeans. He puts his feet on the dash board, reclines the seat and says, "Drive."_

 _I stare at him," Where's Splinter?"_

 _"He told me to teach you to drive. So drive."_

 _I pause. Which do I want more, a lecture from my brother or being able to drive my girlfriend around? Definably the girlfriend._

 _I start the van and shift into gear like I've seen Leo do so many times._

 _WHAM!_

 _I fly backwards as the van_ reverses _instead of going forward. I hear one of Donnie's machines crunch under one of the wheels._

 _"Ow…" Leo groans. I look at him. Leo's scrunched in the hole between the seat and the glove department. He really looks in pain. He pops himself out and puts the seat back up._

 _"I'm waiting for your lecture." I say._

 _Leo gets back into his position. "No lecture. I figure the only way to teach you is to let you teach yourself."_

 _I stare at him some more. He closes his eyes and puts his hands behind his head._

 _Great. I don't get any help. I take a breath and click the van into another position. I go to press on the gas petal. I look at Leo and I feel like puking. "Can you at least get your seat belt on?"_

 _Leo peeks at me, grabs his belt and clicks it into place. Then I go._

 _As I drive, I try not to think of all those car accidents I see on TV. But every time I look at Leo's face, the urge to puke comes back. If I end up killing my brother cause I can't drive worth a fart, I'll kill myself. And because I think that, I end up slamming on the breaks. Leo goes flying up and scratching his neck on the seat belt._

 _The last time I do this, Leo finally gives in._

 _"Okay, Raph, if you want to kill me, why don't you go run into that GMC over there."_

 _I groan," Leo, how do you drive around without worrying that you'll kill us at any moment?"_

 _"I don't think about it." He doesn't say it snarky-like but he doesn't say it in a comforting way either. We're quiet for a moment. I try to slow down without making someone rear end me._

 _Leo reaches for the radio and turns it to a rock station. Then he turns it up while I try to look at him and the road at the same time. "Wh-what are you doing?"_

 _"I know you think better with music," Leo says, "So I am willingly listening to this crap so you can drive better."_

 _I smile gratefully at him. For the rest of the night, we drive around. I find that Leo likes Nothing More. I can't help but think that's' awesome._

 _After a while, I turn it to pop so I can hear Leo sing. He is so much better than those singers in Hollywood. His voice is just so…so soothing, no matter how hard it gets when he sings._

 _By the end of the night, I pray that it won't' end._

 _We have two boxes of three cheese pizza between us. He scared a drive-in girl half to death when she saw us. And that's what Leo's laughing about as he chokes down his pizza. I glance over at him. Leo puts down his pizza and turns to the window. He opens it, and leans out into the wind. I stare at him, trying to drive without looking. His eyes are closed, his bandana waving harshly in the wind. When he opens his eyes, I lose my breath._

 _Leo. Is. Perfect._

 _I overheard April talking to Donnie once. She said if Leo was human, he would look like a male model who stepped out of a movie. Maybe I don't see it cause he's my brother, and Donnie can't see it because, well, if Leo is "hotter" than him, he isn't a happy turtle. But at this moment, I can see what April sees. That could be cause I'm just as happy as he is._

 _We are crossing the Brooklyn Bridge. One-fourth the way through, Leo starts yelling. He sounds so happy, that I start yelling. We whoop and holler for a few more minutes. Then I grab the sleeve of his black jacket and pull him back in the van. He closes the window._

 _Silence._

 _Should I say something?_

 _Leo beats me to it," You still wish Sensei took you driving?"_

 _"No," I immediately say," This has been so fun. I'm glad I've been able to learn with you."_

 _Leo smiles. We sit in silence for another while. A semi-truck passes us and an idea pops in my head._

 _"We should keep on driving." I say._

 _"What?" Leo asks, turning to me while continuing to eat his slice of pizza._

 _"We should keep on driving. Just keep going and going. Then, when the road ends, we turn back around and do it again."_

 _Leo is silent for a moment, "Would you do that, Raph? Would you leave everything behind just to keep driving and driving?"_

 _I think for a moment. Then I say, "Yeah, I think I would. I'd rather travel the nation with you, Leo, more than anything else."_

 _"You'll change your mind the moment we get into a fight, Raph. Besides, you love Mona and plus, we have responsibility's here. We can't leave."_

 _"Oh," I whisper. Man, why do I feel like crying all of a sudden._

 _"Raph, if it's any consolation, if we didn't have these ties, I would love to travel with you."_

 _I look back at him, a warm feeling swelling in me. "You promise."_

 _Leo nods, "I promise."_

* * *

That was the last fun thing we did together.

"You promised. " I whisper under my breath. I stand, wincing at my leg that's asleep. I look at the bridge and yell, "YOU PROMISED!" I breathe heavily, as if awaiting an answer. I whisper once more, "Why do you always lie to me?"

Shell, I'm such a baby. A fifteen year old shouldn't need his big brother this much.

My phone goes off so, I check it. Donnie's telling me that their calling it a night. With a sigh, I face the sun.

 _Where are you hiding, Leo? Where'd you go?_

The sun seems to shimmer in response as it raises over the ocean. It doesn't know. I don't know. Splinter doesn't know. Maybe Leo's supposed to go missing.

Shell, Leo, what did I do to make you scare us like this?

What did I do wrong?

* * *

Hey Mike,

I haven't really helped anyone, have I? All I've done is stand around while Leo grows farther and farther away. Leo is gone.

SO WHAT!

It's not _my_ job to keep track of him!

But…I can't help thinking that …well…maybe…he needs me. He's waiting for me.

I can't believe it though. I _can't_ as much as I want too.

I'm considering looking for him beyond the day light. Maybe I'll start. If I do, maybe I'll start feeling better. I doubt it though.

Raphael


	6. I Don't Exist

**Chapter 5- I Don't Exist**

In two hours, Leo will have been gone for a full week. This is our second day looking for Leo. Casey hasn't seen him. Mona hasn't answered me.

I took the Brooklyn way again. I guess I keep hoping that Leo will appear there, reminiscing in the past like I did last night. Once I reach the roof, though, there is absolutely no sign of him.

I sigh. We have been out here for three hours. This is my second stop on this roof.

"ARGH!" I scream, once more, "LEONARDO, WHERE ARE YOU!?"

I don't expect an answer. That would be too hopeful for me. I've already made to many mistakes with garbage piles. Imagining they were him and all.

 _I'm becoming this all I want to do_

 _Is be more like me and be less like you_

I jump when I hear the ringtone I set for Leo. I pull my phone out to see his text.

 **It will be like I never existed.**

"What?" I say under my breath. What the shell is that supposed to mean?! It's been a freaking week since we've heard from him and this is what he sends!

The message disappears as Donnie's name comes up and a blurp from _I Am Machine_ starts playing. I immediately answer it.

"What is it, Donnie?"

"Did you get a message from Leo?" He asks.

"Yeah, why?"

"All the rest of us did, too. It said the exact same thing."

"It will be as if I never existed…" I murmur as I watch a plane take off from the JFK airport heading out to the ocean. Somehow I feel a tug as it goes farther and farther away. I ignore the feeling and listen to Donnie.

"Yeah, we don't know what it means either but I was able to hack into the message itself and see where it was sent from. And, surprisingly, it came from home."

 _Home. We have to go home_!

"I'll meet you there."

I hang up, then sprint back home, adrenaline pumping through my veins to the max. Leo's at home! He's there! He's fine! Victory!

Donnie, Mikey, Splinter and I all meet up where the pipes meet up then sprint the rest of the way home. We burst through the door, ready to see Leo waiting for us.

But there is no sign of him.

"Donnie?" I ask.

Donnie walks over to the kitchen table. He picks something up and observes it. He doesn't look at us as he says," The message was timed. He was here hours ago. And it looks like he took his phone's memory card with him when he left."

That's when I see that Donnie is holding Leo's phone. I shake my head, then sprint to Leo's room. He's sleeping! He has to be!

Instead, his door is locked. He must have piled crap in front of the door or something.

I go to my room, looking for any sign of him. Instead, I find that my CD player I wide open and empty. My CD of the music my brothers and I made is gone. Leo's beautiful voice gone!

There's a yell out in the kitchen. I sprint there. I see Splinter rummaging through the drawers, looking for a missing rice bowl. I can hear a gasp in Donnie's lab and a yelp in Mikey's room.

My eyes land on the fridge. Our family picture is still there. As I move to stand in front of it, I see that the top left corner is cut so Leo is no longer in the picture. My mind floats back to the pictures in my room. I only glanced at them, but I know that he would have cut those too. Leo would have been very thorough.

I get what his text means now.

 _It will be as if I never existed._

He has promised.

I have driven him away. This is my punishment.

 _The plane_! Leo was on that plane! That's why I felt that tug! He was leaving us! I watched him leave! I…I watched…

I feel the cement beneath my knees, then under the palms of my hands. Then it presses against my cheek. Waves of agony flow over me. It's pulling me beneath the surface. I'm drowning.

I do no resurface.

* * *

Dear Leo,

I'm still looking for you.

I feel so dead. Donnie thinks I have the flu, but he can never understand. I want to just lay down and never get up again. I hate this feeling, but every time I think of you, I feel this. And I just happen to think about you all the time these days.

We don't know where you are. You fell off the face of the Earth. I know you left on that plane. I felt it, know it. I hate you so much, Leo. I really hate you now.

I don't know what to do, Leo. I don't have a big brother to…to guide me. You were my controller! It was like a video game. You held the controller and I was the little player that either did what you wanted or did it wrong. Without you at the controller, I'm stuck in one place. You abandoned me. US!

Well, go riddance! I don't need a big brother or a controller!

I don't need you!

Love Raph

P/S: Why can't you stop lying to me? Hah! I'm one to talk. The real question should be why can't I stop lying to _myself_?


	7. Why'd He leave

**Chapter 6: Why'd He Leave**

 **3 months later….**

It doesn't feel like time passes. It's like I'm stuck in a moment. The moment when he left. I don't want it to pass. Every second that he's gone means another second that he doesn't love me or our family. But it passes, regardless of my wishes.

"Raph, I'm considering putting you on medication."

I look up from staring at my cold pizza slice. Donnie is staring at me, flustered, like I'm a problem he can't solve.

"What?" I say.

"You haven't been above ground in three months, Raph. You don't do anything, even when your girl visits. All you do is lay around all the time."

"I'm not laying-"

"Fine, you're lifeless, Raph. Not laying around. Lifeless."

"I'm not taking happy pills, Donnie. Forget it."

Donnie glares at me, then hisses lowly, "You would if Leo asked you to."

I throw my plate at Donnie, almost cutting his arm, "SHUT UP!"

Donnie slams his hands on the table and stands angrily," NO! He was my brother, too, Raphael. Just because you treated him like crap it shouldn't mean that we have to suffer for your actions."

"He didn't leave just because of me."

"Oh, yes, he did. He…you hurt him so much, it practically killed him. Now he's gone. And all of us who needed him don't have him."

"All you ever needed him for was to look at stupid inventions. I needed him for everything!"

"You never needed him. Or else you wouldn't have treated him the way you did."

I stand, ready to go to my room, "You know what, I'm done arguing with you."

I start to my room when Donnie growls, "I wish you weren't my brother."

That's a shock in my heart, but it doesn't hurt too much. I just ignore Don and leave. I find myself going to the dojo instead of my room.

Master Splinter is hurt. I can tell. He hides it real well. But now that Leo's-ouch! - he's gone, we only have one training session a day, and April's doesn't last long. It's as if he's given up on us…

As I enter the dojo, I see Master Splinter meditating by his shrine.

Next to the picture of his old family is a picture of my big brother. My ani didn't go through Sensei's room like he went through ours. He left Master Splinter's room alone, so everything we can get to of my ani's is in our father's room.

Shell, I wish I could get into my big brothers room!

"What is it, Raphael?" Splinter asks.

I swallow hard before I ask my question, "Do you know how he is by chance?"

Master Splinter stands, but doesn't turn to me," He's fine. Leonardo is just having a hard time but healing. The open air is helping him. He wants to heal, but he needs to be alone to do so. He needs time."

I wince at his name and my thoughts. "Are you lying to me again?"

Sensei doesn't answer, but sighs," Anything else, Raphael?"

I bite my lip before forcing myself to say," Yeah. Why'd he leave? Is it truly my fault?"

I barely see it, but I notice that Splinter flinches. That kindles something in me. I snarl, "You think it's my fault, too!"

"Raphael, I never said-"

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! I DIDN'T WANT…I didn't mean…"

I sprint out of the dojo. I'm forcing back tears as I run to my room, slam the door and scream.

I didn't mean to hurt Leo! Argh! I didn't mean for him to leave! I don't mean to be mean! I should have been the one to run away! Leo should have stayed! And I should have disappeared forever instead of him…

* * *

Dear Donnie,

I'm sorry I'm not the brother you wish I was. I'd trade myself for Leo if I could. But I can't and I'm so sorry. I guess you're right. Leo did leave because of me. I ruined everybody's lives. I'm so sorry.

I'm happy father hasn't changed. He has every reason to disappear on us, but he doesn't. He stays with us. He stays our father.

Did you know that Splinter says that Leo's okay. He's just having a hard time, but he's getting better. He says the air is helping him. He's trying very hard to get better. He needs to be alone. Leo just needs time.

It's a lie. Sensei hasn't talked to Leo. He's just trying to make us feel better. I'm tired of lies. But the truth hurts so much worse. I don't know which I prefer.

I don't want to write anymore.

-Raph


	8. Please Answer Me

**Chapter 7- Please Answer Me**

"Raphael? I want to talk to you. Wake up my son."

I turn slightly to look at my father. He's sitting at the edge of the bed, gently shaking me. He smiles weakly at me. He smiles at me weakly. I just glare and roll back over.

"Raphael, please, look at me. I need to talk to you."

I ignore him, trying to get back to sleep.

"Raphael, please answer me."

I feel tears poke my eyes so I blink to keep them back. I say, sounding as clear as I can, "If I was such a crappy son and brother, why didn't you just get rid of me?"

I feel Splinter freeze. I sniff. He rubs a hand over my shoulder.

"Raphael, I know you're hurting-"

"No, I'm not." I know I am, but I hate admitting it. Thankfully Sensei knows that.

"I'm sorry for the impression you got the other day, my son. I didn't mean to seem as if you were the one who drove Leonardo away."

I wince and choke back a sob. "It is my fault. If I hadn't hurt him, if I hadn't treated him…"

I break into a sob, unable to stop it. I bury my face into my pillow, hoping to suffocate. Instead, Splinters arms enfold me and lift me so my shell is pressed to his chest. I grip his arm as I sob. Splinter lets me get it out.

"I want Leo!" I howl, letting the roaring pain flood me," I want him! I'm sorry, Leo! Forgive me! Please… forgive me…"

There is no answer to my pleas. I don't expect one. Soon Father speaks again.

"Raphael, this is not completely your fault."

"How?!" I snarl.

"I pushed Leonardo too hard. He was under too much pressure. I…I just wanted him to be the best he could be. But he felt I wanted him perfect, that I wouldn't allow him to be who he wanted. So…he left. I was a terrible father."

I sniff as another sob comes through me. "No, you weren't. You were great and still are. Leo loved you so much."

"And he loved you, too, Raphael. You're what made him strive to be better."

"Why? Because I was a sucky person."

"No. Because he wanted you to be happy, too."

I begin to cry all over again. Leo wanted me to be happy. He worked himself till he was perfect so I could be happy. And I never appreciated it or saw it. Now, I'll never be happy. I've ruined everything.

"I want to see him," I sob weakly, quietly," I want to say I'm sorry."

"I do, too, Raphael. Someday, we'll get the chance. Someday…"

I hate that word, _someday._ Someday could be forever away.

"I'm sorry for not paying more attention to you, Raphael." Splinter whispers into my ear.

I sniff so I don't get snot all over Splinters arm and say," I'm sorry for being a crappy son."

"I'd never trade you for the world."

After a moment of peace, I whisper," I wish Leo were here. I want to hear his lullaby."

Splinter nods as he sets me back down on my bed. "Well, I'm no Leonardo, but I can still sing you to sleep. Just not with his lullaby."

I still flinch at Leo's name, but I allow Father to sing me a lullaby he used to sing to his daughter.

Slowly as I fall into a dark oblivion, Splinter plants one kiss on my temple. Just like Leo used to do after he sang his lullaby.

That is the only reason that I don't smile.

* * *

 _Dear Splinter, Sensei, Father,_

 _Thank you for comforting me. I never did. I guess without Leo asking about how I am every second, I sorely needed it._

 _To be honest, I don't really know why I'm writing to you. It's kind of a first for me._

 _I'm glad that you're my father and I'm glad that you are staying strong for all of us. Somebody needs to be who's not Mikey._

 _I wonder how he's still so happy out of all of us. It's like he doesn't care that Leo's gone._

 _Anyway, everything is changing and I don't like it. But I guess things have to change, huh._

 _-Your unworthy son, Raphael_


	9. Good-bye

**Chapter 8: Good-bye**

Music is the only thing that keeps me sane. It makes me feel as if Leo's here, singing to me.

My music is up loud, pounding in my head. The couch beneath me slumps as I turn on my back. Being careful with my ear phones, I slap a pillow over my face so I don't have light coming through my eyelids.

A dance song comes on through Pandora and a memory flows through my mind. It's back when I was thirteen years old. I decide to just let the memory consume me and I fall into its love a pain.

* * *

 _Leo and Mikey are dancing behind me, singing in tune and out of tune. Don sings to but he doesn't dance, he just claps to the beat. I sit reading a comic, ignoring my brothers._

 _"Raphie, come dance," Mikey calls._

 _"Don't call me Raphie," I growl. Raphie is the stupidest name in the universe._

 _Suddenly an emerald hand takes my comic away. I look up._

 _"Dance, Raph," Leo demands, voice squeaking._

 _I cross my arms," Make me."_

 _Leo scrunches up his mouth like he always does when I'm irritating him. Then he grabs my hands and drags me to my feet. I gasp and hang onto my big brother as he spins me around._

 _"Dance with me, Raph," Leo yells out, laughing," dance with me!"_

 _The song Dynamite comes on and the beat starts infiltrating my soul. Leo's laughter and voice is like a drug. It makes me happy and I take the lead in out dancing. Leo smiles and looks at me like I'm a whole new person. I lock eyes with him and I feel like a child again. We're twins again and we will not let each other go._

 _At the end of the song, I realize I have fallen in my brother's love all over again._

 _My mouth aches from the smile stretching from ear to ear. Leo has the same look on his face. I fall into his arms and press my ear to his chest. He wraps his arms around me and we're brothers again. His heart murmurs while I feel my heartbeat the same tune as his._

 _His cheek on my head makes my heart stop. A memory flows in and tears cloud my eyes. I shove Leo away and sprint to my room. I slam the door as I begin to sob. The door holds me up as my knees buckle._

 _I can't love Leo again. I won't! If I do, I'll just get my heart broken all over again. I've got to remember that Leo doesn't love me anymore._

* * *

I throw the pillow off my face, breathing heavily. I yank my ear buds out and throw my IPod across the room. I breathe raggedly as I grab the pillow and scream into it.

"Raphael."

I look up from the pillow and see Mona looking at me. I scrub at my eyes, ridding them of tears.

"Mona," I gasp," Hi."

Mona looks at me for a moment, then nods to the door. "I need to talk to you. Privately."

"Privately?" I say," Why?"

Mona doesn't answer. Instead, she leads me from the room. I follow slowly behind her. She leads me down dozens of little pipes. We come out at an intersection where sewer water flows into a chamber. She stops here and turns to me. She holds one of her arms as she speaks.

"Raphael, I…um…I saw Leonardo before he left."

Suddenly I feel lightheaded. My world is spinning. "What? You saw him!" I jump, grabbing Mona's shoulders and shaking her, "What did he say? How did he look? Was he okay-?"

"RAPHAEL!" Mona shakes me off. She steps back before speaking. "Look, Leonardo didn't want me to tell you that. He said it would be better off that way. But I can't stand seeing you like this anymore. I don't think this will make a bit of difference but…"

Mona pauses.

"Mona?" I moan quietly. "What did he say?

Mona looks like she's gonna cry. I say her name once more. She sits down against the wall. I sit down with her, taking her hand. She doesn't hold mine back. I can smell her beautiful smell, but, somehow, I can smell Leo, too. It's his perfect scent. Sweat and pizza. I take a deeper breath, praying to keep that sweat scent but it disappears as soon as it comes.

Finally, Mona speaks," Raphael, I was the last person he saw before he left."

"Did he say to where?"

Mona shakes her head," No. He said some birds leave the nest far too early and he is one of them. He…um…I could see it in his eyes. His heart was breaking. He…he said that you love me and to take care of you for him. And before he disappeared, he gave me this."

Mona takes out a blue bandana that was hidden in her pocket. I gasp and snatch it. It still smells like him. It's still soft like he was.

Mona laughs softly. "What?" I ask.

"He thought you'd throw it away. Guess he was wrong."

That stings. I hug the bandana tighter to me.

After a long moment, Mona says, "Raphael, I don't know how to take care of you. Leo always did. It's like he had a handle over you. He wasn't controlling but it's like he was able to control you without knowing or trying-"

"Mona," I say slowly, knowing these words are a distraction, "What is wrong?"

Mona lets a tear out. A few more slowly follow. I reach out to brush them away but Mona rejects the gesture.

"Raphael, I don't hold your heart. It's so obvious, I don't know why I didn't see it before. Leonardo has held your heart from the moment you were born. Maybe even before that."

A before life. Whether it be reincarnation or heaven itself.

"M-Mona?"

I'm shaking. I know what's coming. I'm hurting so much. My heart is tearing apart. "Don't…"

"Raph, I'm leaving. It would be best for both of us. You need to get a handle on things and…you're right. You can't disappoint Leonardo and, somehow, I can't either. Good-bye, Raphael."

"Mona," I say but she's already halfway out of the chamber, "Mona! Wait!"

"I need to keep my promise. And this is the only way I know how. But…I love you. I'm sorry."

"Mona! Mona, wait please!" I cry but she's already gone. "MONA!"

The next thing I know, I'm running home, crying and screaming. I slam through the door, screaming at the top of my lungs, "LEO! LEO!"

But not a soul comes. Not Splinter. Not Donnie or Mikey. And not Leo. Slowly, gently, I fall to my knees and let myself become dead inside.

* * *

Leo,

Dear Leo,

What's the world like? I've never seen it.

Well, you know that. You know I haven't been outside New York.

Why

Hi Leo,

I really, really miss you, and I wish you were here.

 _FORGET IT!_


	10. If I Stay

**Chapter 9: If I Stay**

 _The cameras is heavy in my hands. It is small and black. I carry it as I follow Leo to the doo. He has had a hard morning, it seems. He hasn't even made it past breakfast._

 _"Leo," I call out. No answer. The dojo is silent._

 _I hear an exhale and I know where my brother is. I jog over to the tree in the middle of the dojo. I can see halfway up to where Leo sits, staring at the sky. I climb up after him._

 _When I reach him, I see that Leo is curled in a ball. Tears stain his face. This is the first time I've seen him cry._

 _"Leave me alone, Raph," he cries, turning away from me._

 _I am tempted to leave, but a rare feeling of care flows over me. "What's wrong, Leo?"_

 _"Nothing, Raph. I'm fine."_

 _"No, you're not. Tell me, Leo."_

 _He stays quiet. I sigh, wondering how I could help Leo. I watch as he uncurls a bit, resting his head on his hand. The sun comes through the tree at an angel, turning Leo a beautiful color of emeralds and sapphires. He is practically glowing. I swiftly whip my camera out and snap a picture. This picture is mine and only mine._

 _Leo glances over at me and lifts his arm out to me. I know this gesture well and am happy to see it used after so long. As if I'm a small child again, I climb over to Leo and press into his side. He holds me like he used to do when I took a nap with him. I sigh and drape an arm over my brother's stomach. I close my eyes and fall into his warmth but trying not to get to close to the source of it._

 _As I drift off, Leo says something to me but I don't catch it as I dream of days when we could be together without tearing each other's hearts out._

* * *

The first thing I see is the picture of Leo I took when we were ten. He's so sad. For once we're the same. We're the living dead turtles, ready to finish things.

I kiss the picture as I day dream about the life I will be living soon. My nightmare will be over. Maybe Leo will follow me soon after. I'd like that.

I stuff the picture in my pocket, then wrap his bandana around my neck. Now we will always be together- Ani and Ototo.

I go through the day like it's a breeze. Nobody questions the bandana. Mikey spends time with me. I love this little snot, but he can't save me. Only Leo can and he's not here.

I text Casey, nod at Donnie and meditate with Splinter. All of these are my final acts.

As soon as the clock chimes 10:00 p.m., I take off, claiming I'm going on patrol. It's the only logical way to get away from here.

I go to the Brooklyn Bridge so I can die where Leo and I held out last great moment. I'm on that building, walking so slowly.

 _Man, Leo, don't you ever relax_.

I stop feet away, calculating if I'm high enough.

 _What is with you and the Foot? She's evil! Get over her_!

I step up onto the ledge. I stop, embracing the feeling of freedom.

 _Space Heroes is so stupid. You're a dork. Get a life_.

I look down. Nobody's gonna care. Sure a freaks laying in the road but I'll just be like roadkill. Just another body in a city of hate. I wish I could see their faces when I'm done. I'll be gone because of them.

I wish Leo would come up here and ask me what I'm doing. I wish he would tell me I'm being reckless and let's go spar.

I'm starting to cry. I want to feel his love, his care, his heart. His heartbeat. He was an emotional roller-coaster. I loved it.

"Leo," I groan into the wind. I take a step forward, ready to meet a new world.

 _"Raph!"_

I pause. His voice sounds so clear, as if he's behind me, but I'm not foolish. I smile and re-raise my foot.

 _"Don't do this_ ," he pleads.

"You wanted me to be happy, didn't you?" I snarl to nothing, "Watch me."

" _Please, Raph, for me."_

When he says my name, my foot falls back to the ledge. He's controlling me even when he's not here. But then, something dawns on me. "You won't stay with me any other way, will you?"

" _Please_." It's just a whisper now.

I close my eyes and crouch to jump, ignoring this fake voice.

 _"Raph, no_!"

He's mad. It's so loving. I'm addicted to it. So I lean forward.

Suddenly the ten year old memory flashes through my brain. His words he said as I was falling asleep flowing into my brain as if I know them and just forgot them instead of never hearing them.

 _"Raph, what would you say if I told you I wanted to just up and leave? What would you do if I disappeared like I never existed?"_

Then I see him, his katana in hand and he stabs himself. His hand falls and his dead eyes look into mine.

"NO!"

I fall backward off the ledge. I'm crying and howling to that fake voice, "Please, Leo, don't do it! I'm sorry! I'm so stupid! Don't kill yourself! I need you!"

I hear his laugh and my heart throbs, " _Funny, hothead, cause I should be saying that to you_."

After that, I just lay there, pretending Leo is here, holding me till I calm down. I pretend I hear his heart. I almost think I do when I hear a thump but it was just a party beneath me turning up the bass.

When it starts raining, I'm tempted to just lay here but after a review of a crap memory, I get my shell up and slowly make my way back home.

It takes forever. I walk so slow that it's morning by the time I get there. Mikey is the first to greet me when I reach the kitchen. He jumps out of his seat and runs over to me. "Raph, you scared us. Where were you…? What's wrong?"

I look at Mikey, then start crying again. I hug him and Mikey freezes. "Raphie?"

I look at Donnie and Splinters confused faces and I know I have to tell them. I would tell Leo if I had tried that stunt if he were still here. But…he isn't.

I take a breath and back away from Mikey. I tug Leo's bandana from my neck. I spread it so I can see the eye holes. I pretend he's looking at me as I say this.

"I…um…I-I…I just tried to commit suicide."

* * *

 _Dear Mikey,_

 _Thanks for caring and being spunky. I'm sorry for trying to kill myself. I didn't consider what it would do to you guys. I only thought of Leo. I guess his opinion is the one I care most about._

 _I can't believe I've been spending so much time with you. You're just so stupid but…so…happy…and…I love it. Why_ am _I spending so much time with you? You cheer me up I guess. Not like Leo, who is always making me unhappy now. You actually want to be around me unlike him and Donnie. I wish I could fix things with both of them._

 _Anyway, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad you're my baby brother and I'll love you till the end of time. I promise._

 _-Raph_


	11. What He DID

**Chapter 10: What He DID**

I finally am getting out again. Tonight, I'm on patrol with Mikey and April. The whole suicide thing is still being held over my head after two weeks and that's why Donnie and Casey are not with us.

I slow as I watch Mikey run up ahead, yelling something about a cat. I smile but can' make myself laugh. April and I stop at the building and watch Mikey chase an orange and white cat down the alley.

After a moment, April turns to me. In the corner of my eyes, I can see her biting her lip. "Raph, how are you?"

"If you mean, 'Am I going to try to commit Suicide again,' then no, I'm fine. Thank you."

April reaches out toward me but I jerk away. "I'm fine, April."

"He love you a lot you know."

I look at her. She isn't looking at me anymore. She is frowning eyes closed. "What?"

"He came to my apartment balling. He almost fell off the fire escape he was crying so hard. I thought it was because his hand was hurting. It wasn't."

I don't like where this is going. "April…?"

She shakes her head. "After I fixed his hand, he shoved his head into the pillow. He just laid there, lifeless. One of my friends came over and he didn't move at all. My friend even thought he was a stuffed animal, luckily. A warm stuffed animal, but a stuffed animal."

"Did he ever…talk?" I ask.

April shrugs. "Not on the first day. He just slept mainly. On the second, he clicked through my TV's channels, not even stopping to watch anything. That afternoon he looked things up on the computer. He wouldn't let me see what and didn't eat. I noticed that the always tuned to look at the balcony. It was like he was waiting for something…"

Oh my shell! I was right! He was waiting for me! And…I didn't go see him.

I'M A FREAKIN' IDIOT! WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN TO MY GUT! I would've still had him if I had…

April flinches as she continues," I came home from shopping on the third day. I came home and…"

April stops and bows her head. My gut twists. "April? What happened?"

"I…um…I came home and I found Leo in the bathroom, curled in the corner. His face was tear-stained and eyes were so red and puffy. His arm was all cut up and bloody. He didn't tell me what from. But…oh, shell, Raph. I asked him what he was doing. And…oh, Raph, I have never been so scared in my life."

As she says these next words, my heart plummets to my stomach and I feel like jumping off the building. "Leo showed me a bottle of pills. He said…he said if I hadn't come home, he would have overdosed."

"After that, he was on the computer again till the day he left. He never told me why he wanted to die or anything about it till I found a file on the computer saying, "The reason I thought it was cause I wanted them happy."

I'm gonna puke! I slide down to the roof and try not to hyperventilate.

"You couldn't tell me that four months ago!" I howl weakly.

"Leo didn't want me to tell you and I wanted to but every time I looked at you… I couldn't bring myself to do it."

"Did Casey know?"

"…Yeah. He said we should just keep it from you. What you didn't know wouldn't kill you."

 _Casey_. You little…

"Guys, are you coming or not!?"

Mikey is screaming at us. We look down at him. He's covered in scratches from head to toe.

"Yeah, Mike, we're comin'," I say.

"Raph?" April whispers.

I refuse to look at her. If I do, visions of Leo dying will appear.

"Thank you for telling me, April. I appreciate it."

"Will you call me if you need anything?"

I sigh, "Just…just tell your boyfriend he can go screw himself."

Then I go after Mikey, leaving April in a state of shock.

I never thought I could hate my friends. Casey lied to me, kept Leo's pain from me. Pain I could have tried to heal. I don't hate him. No.

 _I loathe him._

* * *

Hey, Leo,

I really miss you, and I wish you were here. Did you really want to kill yourself for me?

 _NO! ENOUGH!_


	12. Happy Birthday Jesus

**A/N: I know it's like the middle of April but I couldn't get these following chapters till now. So, you know. Christmas in April. Why not? Anyway, enjoy.**

 **Chapter 11: Happy Birthday Jesus**

I've got more texts from Casey in one month than I have in the time I've had this phone. None of which I will answer. If that liar wants to talk to me he can come down here.

I jump up from staring at Space Heroes when a giant pine tree passes in from of me, carried by April and Mikey.

"What the-"

"It's Christmas, Raphie," Mikey grins. Our very first Christmas.

 _First._

I pale. Leo was always here for our firsts. First Christmas without Leo sounds foreign.

Splinter, though still sad-looking, comes to the tree to help stand it. He looks at me and smiles," Want to help decorate, my son?"

"Uh…um…"I don't know. I can only see Leo holding up a shiny red ball, then put it up on the tree. He looks at me and smiles, laughing.

I choke," N-no. I'll-I'll do it next year."

I look away right as a bundle of clothes plop in my lap.

"That's right." Donnie says behind me, "Cause Raph and I are going out for a walk."

We are?

"Chop, chop, Raph. I'll be waiting by the door."

After I sit there for a few minutes, I slip on a sweater, coat, jeans, boots and scarf and a blue hat that reminds me of Leo. Then I head to the door as Don wanted.

Donnie's dressed the same way only without his bandana. "Take it off."

I blink, "What?"

"Your bandana. Don't want to look like a crook, do you?"

I am so confused. Donnie hasn't spoken to me like this in almost five months. Nothing has changed so…

Donnie leads me to the surface where a light snow is falling. I sneeze as I breathe a flake up my nose.

"Where are you taking me?" I huff.

Don shrugs," I don't know. Anywhere."

"That's specific."

"Look, Raph…" he sighs, "I'm sorry I've been treating you the way I have. I guess… after Leo left I felt no one cared what I did or what I made. So I blamed it on you."

"Why does every time I talk to somebody Leo comes up?" I snap.

Don shrugs. "Guess you need to learn new things about our ani." Donnie smiles a toothy grin at me, "Did you know Leo was a religion geek?"

"Religion?" I say.

"Yeah. When we were eleven, Leo saw a homeless guy through a grate and his sign said God on it. So Leo asked Splinter about God. He even prayed. I've never seen Leo so excited to learn something new. He got every religious book he could find. The different rule books, the Bible, a Book of Mormon, everything! Sometimes I'd wake up and go get a drink at night. He'd be on the couch, the TV on and muted. He was reading those holy books and writing down the differences of religion."

"He ever choose one of them?"

"No. But I know he was in the middle of the Book of Mormon when he left."

"Have you ever prayed, Donnie?" I ask.

"Of course. Haven't you?"

I look down at my feet. I feel ashamed all of a sudden. Donnie gasps, "You haven't _prayed_!"

"NO! Is that such a big deal?"

Donnie shrugs," Mikey's even prayed, Raph. I thought you would have, too."

I shake my head, "Nope. I haven't really acknowledged God's existence."

Don raises a brow, "Really?"

"What has he ever done for me?"

"He gave you Leo."

"Then took him away!"

"That was Leo's choice, not God's."

I think back to the day I tried to commit suicide. I remember his voice. I wonder…

"Did Leo believe in miracles?"

Donnie chuckles," Oh, yeah. Big time. He vowed to see one every day."

"Did he?"

"Normally. Like you comforting Mikey. Or Casey becoming your friend. Or how my machine incidentally blew up right as we needed it to. He wrote them all down somewhere."

"What was the last one he saw?"

Donnie sighs, "Mona making you smile."

Tears sting my eyes. I stop where I am. Which is funny, cause it's right in front of a church. Donnie sees I'm not by him and stops, "Raph?"

I look at the churchyard. A nativity has just been set up. Little Jesus's arms are wide open, welcoming the shepherds and wise men.

Warm tears roll down my cold cheeks. I sniff. Donnie claps my shoulder, "You okay, Raph."

I nod. "Yeah."

Silence. A person walks into the church and singing fill the air. My soul seems to tug toward it.

"Can…um…can we go in?"

Donnie looks at the door, then at me," Sure. Let's go."

As soon as we enter, music nearly blasts me back out. A choir is singing in a room across from the door. Donnie and I sit in back. The men and women are separated. Men wear suits while women wear red gowns. There's a piano behind them, and pews in front. Children are laughing and grownups are singing along. I see a few who are leaning on the pew in front of them, sobbing.

But one thing is in common.

Nobody is alone.

"You want to go?" Donnie asks.

I shake my head," No. Never. Just…hold on."

A new song starts. Then another and another. We go through _Come All Ye Faithfull_ and _Hark the_ _Angels_ and _O' Holy Night_. Through it all I stay rooted to my seat, hearing not only Leo's singing but…somebody else. Somebody even more powerful than anything. And I can't help but cry.

This feeling I've never felt is all over in me. It's so warm like one of Mikey's hugs. I never want it to leave me. I love it so much.

The _Silent Night_ starts and I sob like a baby without a binky. Donnie doesn't even know what to do with me.

The great thing is that no one seems to care that I'm crying. Yeah!

The last song is _Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas_.

 **Have yourself a merry little Christmas**

 **Let your heart be light**

"You okay, Raph?" Donnie asks.

"Shhh!" I hiss.

 **Here we are as in olden days**

 **Happy golden days of yore**

 **Faithful friends who are dear to us**

 **Gather near to us once more**

Leo! Uh, Leo! Look what you're missing!

I want them to stop but they just keep going.

 **Through all the years we all will be together**

 **If the fates allow**

Oh I wish. Wish with all my heart…

 **Have a merry little Christmas now…**

I bolt out of there! I run till I'm in front of that manger, till I'm in front of that infant. Donnie and others follow after me, yelling, but I don't care.

All I can do is cry till I decide to try something.

So, for the first time in my life, I _pray._

* * *

Dear Jesus,

I've never talked to you or God before this night. Not ever. I know that doesn't make us the greatest of friends, but hear me out.

I don't know why you let Leo go away. I don't know why you don't make him come back to me. I really wish things could be different. But it's not my job to change things. At least, I don't think it is…

I'm trying to forget. I guess, if Leo doesn't want to see me, or talk to me, than I guess I feel the same way.

Could you keep him safe, though, please? Where ever he is? Maybe you guys got some kind of connection or something? Could you tell him to forget us if he hasn't already? I think it would be best for everyone.

Thank you.

Oh, and Happy Birthday.

Raph

 **A/N: Sorry if this chapter offends anyone. If seemed only fair sense it was Christmas and sense Donnie and Raph need to make up. This was the only way. Anyway, sorry if I offend you. Sorry, sorry.**


	13. I Miss you

**Chapter 12: I Miss You**

My favorite Christmas book is officially _A Special Place for Santa_. I have a feeling Leo would have liked it, too.

"Hey, Raph."

I lower the book. Mikey is smiling. "Really like that book, huh?"

"What do you want?"

Mikey lays on his gut so we're at eye level. "I was thinking about Leo, you know. I was thinkin' how you guys used to be, like, best friends."

"I wouldn't call us best friends, Mikey."

He rolls his eyes. "Whatever. Look, whatever happened between you guys anyway?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. What happened when we were eight years old that made you two so distant?"

Eight. I hate this memory. But I can't stop it from attacking me. So I tell Mikey everything.

* * *

 _Leo wasn't at breakfast this morning. I hope he's not sick. He's always moody when he's sick._

 _He's not at lunch either. I'm starting to get nervous. I've never been away from Leo for this long. Not even when we go to bed. One of us always ends up in the others bed or we go to the couch and sleep there._

 _But I don't see him all afternoon. Speaking of, I don't see Splinter either. I would go to the dojo to look for him but I don't like the dojo. Leo always says we'll be shaped by it and that just gives me a bad idea._

 _The day drags on without Leo. I wind up playing games with Mikey. When Leo finally shows, I jump up, knocking the game Mikey and I were playing and run to him. I ignore Mikey's yelp as the game clatters loudly._

 _"Leo! Leo! Leo! Where have you been?" I ask, "I was worried about you…. What's wrong?"_

 _Leo's face isn't smiling. It's tired and looks almost irritated. His voice isn't nice either. It's like he's me when I'm irritated with Mikey. But…I haven't done anything wrong._

 _"Leave me alone, Raph," His voice is sharp so I argue back._

 _"No, Leo."_

 _Leo's voice gets firmer, "Move, Raph."_

 _"No, Leo! You aren't you! I want to know why you disappeared!"_

 _"Raph, I'm not in the mood. It's been a long day so get out of my way."_

 _Leo tries to shove me, but I grab his wrists and pin them to his sides. They're sweating, so I know he's been training. But why is he so mad?_

 _"You're being a jerk, Leo! Why!? All I want is an answer so then we can go play."_

 _"Let me go, Raph!"_

 _"Talk to me, Leo!"_

 _"Maybe I don't want to talk to you," Leo hisses. I pause. Something in me hurts. I don't like it. Suddenly I don't want to hear him._

 _Leo continues, "Maybe I don't want to play with you. Maybe I want to be alone once in my life without a tag-along. Go away, Raph. Leave. Me. Alone."_

 _I feel a snap in me. A snap that brings tears to my eyes and makes me shake. Leo shoves past me, heading to the kitchen._

 _I feel numb as I run to my room. I keep expecting to hear Leo's voice calling out to come after me._

 _As I slam my door shut, I hear Leo's voice in my head, saying the things I want him to say._

Come back, Raph. I'm sorry. Don't cry, ototo. I love you. You are strong. You are brave. You are important. You are loved.

 _I cry harder. I am not brave. I am not strong or important or loved. If Leo doesn't think any of this about me, it doesn't matter. It has all been a lie._

 _Leo doesn't love me anymore._

 _That is when I know Leo is my very first heartbreak._

* * *

"Whoa," Mikey whispers, "That's…harsh."

"Now, you will leave me alone," I growl, my temper rising," Go away."

"So you guys split because he had a bad day."

"Bad day!" I hiss. "He never apologized!"

Mikey frowns, "He wanted to but you avoided him so he thought you'd never forgive him. So he stopped trying."

I pause and let that sink in, "Bad day…"

"Yeah. Splinter had him doing these exercises over and over again. He wanted to come play with us but Splinter wouldn't let him. Finally he cracked and yelled at everyone who crossed his path."

A BAD DAY! Why couldn't me eight year old self understand that!?

Mikey keeps going, "Ever since then Leo hasn't been able to look in a mirror."

I frown at that statement, "W-what? Why?"

"Splinters punishment was having Leo remember what he did wrong and stand looking in the mirror. Don thinks that day Leo remembered hurting you and us and Splinter and he broke. So every time he looks in the mirror, he thinks about that day and he believes he's a bad child."

"But he wasn't one."

Mikey shrugs, "It's just who he is I guess."

After a while of just sitting there, I get up and go to the dojo. Inside, Splinter meditates. His fur is ruffled like he got in a fight. The robe looks loose, like it's falling off. He's thin.

"Father," I say. He looks up at me. The Christmas lights on his tree and shrine glow in his dull eyes, "May I meditate with you?"

"If that's what you wish, Raphael." He says, voice scratchy, as if he hasn't used it in decades.

I plop down next to him and say, "Are you Okay?"

Splinter looks at me for a moment. He looks like he's gonna cry. "No. But I'm trying, Raphael. Thank you for being there for your brothers."

"…Thank you for being there for us."

Splinter swallows hard, "If I just had one word…one moment…"

"If's. They're a cursed word…Just a step at a time. That's what Leo would say."

Splinter sits back up," When you're done with your meditation, Raphael, check the wall panel near my room. I think you'll want what's there."

Then he's gone again.

The wall panel? Okay…meditation first. Focus…

Things seem to fade. All is silent. The thing that happens next I will never be able to explain fully. It was like a dream or a part of delirium. But I open my eyes…and he's there. In front of me. Looking at me. The dojo is around us. Splinter is still next to me. But things seem dimmer and less realistic. Like I'm in the world…but not of it.

"Raph…" he says. His voice! It's beautiful! It's calm! It's the most perfect thing I've ever heard.

"Leo," I say.

We stare at each other. I wanted to touch him but I fear if I do, he'll fade away. Instead, I say," Where are you?"

He smiles and it feels like my chest is going to explode. "In the place of my dreams."

"Your hand?"

"Scarred but okay."

We stare.

In unison, we say," Are you real?"

We both jerk back. We don't say anything till Leo smiles, "If you are, can you promise me something?"

Even if he isn't real, a promise to a hallucination is better than nothing.

"Anything," I say.

He leans toward me. His skin is soft as he grabs my wrist, like he's going to stop me from doing something. He looks me in the eyes and it seems as if he's looking at my soul. Like he's seeing what I've done since he left.

"Promise me you won't do anything stupid or reckless, okay? Take care of yourself for me. Don't make me come after you."

I want to cry and confess everything. The suicide, the church, everything! Instead, I whimper his name.

"Leo…"

He starts fading but I can't' move. With a gentle smile, he says, "Bye, Raphie."

Then I'm falling through oblivion, the darkness sucking me down. I feel exactly as I did when we realized he left.

Love. Life. All of its meaning.

Over.

Then reality is back. I gasp like I haven't breathed in forever. Splinter doesn't move.

Was that real? Was Leo talking to me? His promise. Was that real?

The wall panel.

I sprint across the dojo, slide on my knees and yank the Japanese panel off. A bundle greets me. I grab them and when I realize what it is, I almost drop them.

In my hands lie Leo's beautiful Katanas with these in my hands…I feel as if a piece of me is filled.

But only a piece…

* * *

Dear Leo,

I used to think you were just gone. You know what I mean? Now that I kinda saw you today, I don't know what to think. I hate that you're gone. I used to imagine I had to be the one to push you out of the house when we were adults. I had dreams that you met a girl and, if we had a chance, our kids would play together. You'd be the greatest uncle ever. But now, if you ever did have kids, I would never see them.

You left us. Splinter misses you, and I mean misses you. So much. He's slowly falling apart.

I miss you, too. I miss you training, and waking up before us and making us breakfast. I miss you walking through the sewers. I watch Space Heroes because you're not here. I miss you criticizing me to do better. I miss twirling your bandana around my fingers. You would laugh when I touched the back of your neck. Maybe you don't miss all that. Maybe you think I hate you for all that. If you come back, I will treat you better. I will to the best of my ability.

I think of you differently now, you know. You are missing. A hole cut in my picture. But my memories are so strong that it's almost like you're here. If I looked for you over the whole world and didn't find you, I'd look again. You'd have to be somewhere. I'd travel the universe to do it. Are you safe? Are you well? Are you growing up, too? I don't want you to be too different. Mikey's voice is deeper. Donnie's muscles are bigger. I had a growth spurt. But I don't want you to change.

You will always be fifteen, Leo. I'm going to remember you just the way you are. That way I will be able to keep you, at least a little bit.

You'll always be my brother. I will always miss you. But I hope you are happy where you are.

Love, Raph


	14. The Night before Christmas

**Chapter 13: The Night before Christmas**

I am watching Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. Mikey is feet away, shaking presents and humming _Santa is coming to Town._

I can hear Donnie and April in the kitchen laughing about God knows what. Splinter is moving from place to place like he's trying to figure out where to go.

"Think Leo will send presents?" Mikey asks.

I glance at him, "I don't know. You think?"

Mikey smiles and nods, "Yeah. I think he will."

I turn back to the show. Rudolph is on an ice berg, floating away from the main land. Mikey slumps down next to me. He eyes me like a pillow. I sigh and decide to let Mikey be me for once. I raise my arm-

"I always hated that part."

I jump and twist around. Casey is looking at the TV. He looks at me. I glare at his stupid face and turn back around.

"You haven't been answering my texts."

"There's a reason for that." I hiss.

"Oh, come on, man! I need to talk to you. April says you, like, hate me now."

"And I have every reason to!"

"Why!?"

"You lied to me!" I stand and yell at Casey like I once did to Leo. "I could have helped Leo! None of this would be happening if somebody had told me!"

Casey's eyes harden," BULL! Look, Raph, you've gotta face that he's not coming back-"

"SHUT UP!" That's when everyone comes out to see what's happening. I stomp past Casey, shoving him." You better be gone by the time I get back, Casey."

He stares at me, anger glaring at me. But mine is stronger." I won't have you lying to us. Leo is coming back. One day."

Casey snorts," How do you know!?"

I punch him. Casey and April yell. Donnie gasps, then laughs. Splinter yells my name but I'm already out the door.

He's right. How do I know Leo's gonna come back? It's Christmas Eve and he isn't home. That isn't right. He's supposed to be here, like the songs say.

I march clear to a bend. There I stop. I know this place. I haven't been here in forever. I look to the wall to my left. The cracks are still there.

I walk to them, kneel and feel the cracks. I can't believe I remember but…I remember…

* * *

 _I run after Donnie and Leo as fast as my little legs can carry me. Why do I have to be the shortest of my brothers? It isn't fair. But I'm just five years old._

 _We are playing pirates. Leo is the captain and I'm his first mate. Donnie and Mikey are the bad guys. We have to stop them. But right now, Donnie is chasing my big brother, claiming he will be the end of Captain Leo. I run after him to save my hero._

 _Donnie and Leo disappear around a corner. I am so far behind, but I have to run harder or Mikey will catch me. And I don't want that brother snatcher to catch me._

 _Up ahead, there is a scream. It sounds like Donnie. Leo must have turned and fought. I howl and charge forward._

 _As I turn the corner, I stop. Water lies in front of me. The floor is wet with skid marks up to a wall. Donnie is kneeling by Leo. His high voice squeaks like it does when he's scared. "Leo, Leo, wake up. Wake up. Please, Leo."_

 _"Leo," I call. Whenever I call, Leo comes. He never lets me be scared and that is how I am feeling right now._

 _But Leo does not care. His body doesn't move, not even a twitch. That's when I start screaming. "LEO! LEO!" I run to him, skinning my knees on the brick. There is ruby liquid pouring from Leo's head. Blood._

 _"Leo," I say, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him," Leo, wake up. Leo, please!"_

 _But he doesn't wake up. I let out a shriek, then look at Donnie. A strong feeling of anger fills me. I've never felt this much anger before. With a battle cry, I lunge at Donnie, hands reaching for his throat. Donnie screams and runs away from me. I chase after him, screaming till my body shakes._

 _Donnie hurt Leo. Leo could be dead. I hate him!_

 _"Raphie," I hear Mikey call behind me," Raphie, calm down."_

 _No! I refuse to!_

 _"Oh…what happened?" I pause and turn around. Leo is sitting up and touching his cut. My small chest seems to loosen and I run to him crying._

 _"Leo! Leo! I thought you were gone! Leo!" I kneel next to him while Donnie comes over to push his bandana to Leo's head._

 _"You okay, Leo?" Mikey asks. Leo slowly nods._

 _"Good." I say._

 _"We better get you back home, Leo," Donnie says," You might have a concussion."_

 _Concu-what? I stare at Donnie blankly. He looks at me, then flinches slightly. Why did he flinch away from me?_

 _Mikey helps Leo up while I follow. When I see Leo's open hand, his palm free to the world, I run. I hold his hand as we walk. I always see Leo's signals, especially his hand, always open for me to hold._

 _He squeezes my hand as we walk. He says," Don't worry, Raph. I'm okay."_

 _I look up at him, ignoring the blood going down his face. Leo's eyes look into mine, and I feel my heart swell. I know he will never stop loving me. He can't because I will never stop loving him._

 _I squeeze his hand back, telling him that I believe him._

* * *

I laugh. I loved that small moment. Leo saying not to worry, and holding hands like we're best friends.

I pray Casey's wrong.

Leo will come home.

He has to.

Someday….

* * *

Dear Donnie,

I remember.

I remember that game we used to play. That pirate game. Remember it. I remember Leo ran into the wall and cut his head open and I blamed you. Those cracks and blood were scary. And I needed someone to blame. I'm sorry that just happened to be you.

You know, I think that's how much I miss Leo. I'm starting to miss his _blood_!

Now that I remember this, I wish we could play it again. I wish we were young again.

But I guess we have to change and then there's no chance of ever going back.

Raph


	15. Thank You

**Chapter 14: Thank You**

 _Promise me you won't do anything stupid or reckless okay? Take care of yourself for me. Don't make me come after you._

 _But…what if I want you to…_

"RAPHIE! RAPHIE, WAKE UP! IT'S CHRISTMAS!"

I yell, jerking awake as Mikey jumps on my bed like a five year old. He jumps on one of my legs and I scream.

I was dreaming of Leo! He was talking to me! I was right in front of him! We were together! Brothers again!

I HATE YOU, MIKEY!

"Come on, Raph," Donnie says. I turn to look at him and my eyes bulge.

"What is THAT?!"

"A video camera," Donnie says, patting the giant black box on his shoulder," April give it to me. I'm recording our Christmas so when Leo come home, he won't have missed a thing."

I smile," He would like that."

Mikey tugs on my arm, "Come on, Raph! You're such a scrooge!"

"Who called me a scrooge?"

"Leo! Now come on!"

Mikey runs out of the room, leaving me and Donnie in confusion.

"…Leo?" Donnie whispers," Why would he say Leo would say that?"

"Haven't you noticed," I say, "He acts like Leo is still here half the time."

Donnie nods. "I know. It's just…Raph…what if he's talking to Leo? What if Leo never cut ties with him?"

I snort," Why wouldn't Mikey tell us if he was talking to him?"

Don snorts back, "Easy. Leo promised him a whole lot of pizza when he comes back."

"That wouldn't be fair."

"Remember that lesson Splinter taught Leo about fairness a while back? I think he took it to heart."

"Oh…"

We are silent, unmoving. Splinter breaks it.

"BOYS! GET OUT HERE! IT'S CHRISTMAS NOW MOVE! NOW!"

We grin at each other.

"Mikey must be tormenting him," I say.

Donnie smiles," I wouldn't be surprised."

As we make our way to the front, Donnie says, "April texted and said she'll be coming down Tuesday to give us her presents."

That's in two days. That's funny. "Why two days?"

Donnie shrugs," She says some of the gifts haven't come in yet."

"Huh. Think they could be from Leo?"

Donnie turns and grins," Funny. Mikey asked me the exact same question."

"And…your answer?"

"Yes. I couldn't imagine Leo missing something as important as this. After all, he was the one who was excited for it."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

I smile. Yeah. I can see that. Leo would be the first up with Mikey. They'd probably even get everything done before our alarm clock went off. I almost laugh at how I imagine Leo's face would be.

As we come in, Mikey throws a plastic ornament at us," Why are guys so slow! Hurry up!"

I dodge a white translucent one while Donnie laughs.

"Don't you laugh at me," I hiss jokingly.

So he doesn't laugh. He snickers.

We walk to the tree, Donnie recording Mikey as we go. Mikey is singing, "Presents, presents, look at all the presents."

 _That we somehow managed to get._ I add in my thoughts. My excuse, Casey and April, but, everybody else's probably is too.

"Mikey, Christmas isn't about presents, you know," I say.

Mike taps his chin," It's not?"

My eyes widen-

Mikey chuckles," JK! I know it's about family and Christ. It's right there in the title."

I think all three of us huff a breath of relief. Hallelujah! Mikey isn't as dumb as he seems!

For the next hour and a half we open presents. We go one by one, so all to Splinter, all to Donnie and so forth.

Splinter got a new walking staff from Donnie. It was copper that had been rained on for a long time, and made by his own hand. Also made by hand, is the classic macaroni picture frame Mikey made and on the bottom it says FAMILY with some type of candy. With some help from Casey, I was able to get the lyrics of Leo's lullaby printed and I gave them to Splinter who immediately know what it was and his ears dropped. (All this crap with Casey happened before our fight, by the way.)

Donnie received a new science lab set from Splinter. Half the crap he had before broke so this helps with everything he "extremely" needs. Mikey got him a race car. He says Donnie could use it for his down time and need to relieve stress. I'll probably see that thing drive once. With Casey's help I was able to get Donnie a new laptop which he also broke a while back. I hope this one at least lasts until summer.

Mikey almost eats Splinters present. It is a pizza puzzle, a way to, I guess, make Mikey smarter, but he thought it was a real pizza and shoved it in his mouth. I chuckled when he spat it out and used Donnie's bandana tails to wipe his tongue. Donnie was reluctant to give Mikey his gift after that. But what he got him was a new Super Mario game which Mikey immediately jammed into the half-working Wii. I think mine was the best. Casey's sister had finished using a karaoke machine so I decided, hey, let's give it to Mikey. He'll get a kick out of it. He hugged it for five straight minutes.

Then it's me.

"Me first," Mikey howls, throwing a flat box at me. I sigh and cut the box open. I pause, lift it and feel like crying. It's a leather jacket. On the front are buttons the color of my brother's bandanas. On the back is my brother's names then a picture of a bandana and Splinter signia.

"How-how did you…?"

"I designed it while April ordered it."

Splinter steps forward," I didn't wrap it. But here."

I lower the jacket. In Splinter's hands is a black helmet that juts out into a triangle. On the sides are mini flash lights. I take it and put it on. It fits.

"What…why…"

Donnie stands," Follow me."

I do, clear to his lab. Clear to where a white tarp lies over Donnie's latest machine. A leather jacket and a helmet. They're matching. Which means Donnie's gift must be-"

Donnie pulls off the tarp. I stop breathing.

"Oh. My. Shell."

Mikey and Splinter clap. Donnie is grinning. "Ta-da!"

I walk forward, the red, the most beautiful red motorcycle gleaming back at me.

"All those trips to the dump," Donnie breathes, "they were for this."

"I…" I feel tears building," I can't believe it."

"We knew you'd love it," Splinter says.

Mikey adds, "You deserve it."

"And that's not it," Donnie goes to the side of the bike and opens a secret compartment. Inside is a picture of me and Mona, a little Nicks card and…and…

"Is this…the…"

Donnie nods," I found it. Leo stashed it inside one of the tires. I think he wanted us to find it."

I gently pick the small red book up and cradle it. Leo's miracle book.

I look at my family. They smile at me. There is so much I want to say but all that comes out is, "Th-thank you."

For the rest of the day, I sit on my bike, wearing the warm jacket, helmet hanging from the handle, and read every single page of Leo's miracle book.

* * *

Dear Donnie,

Thank you so much for the bike. I love it. I've always wanted one but you already knew that. I can't wait till spring so I can ride it. It's nice to know you all teamed up to make me something and make it super special. You guys are awesome. I wouldn't trade you for anything.

Thank you for being a great ototo. It means the world to me.

Love, Raph


	16. A Suprise from Japan

**Chapter 15: A Surprise from Japan**

Two days later, I wake from a strange dream. April's coming down today but all I can think of is the dream I had…or was it a memory?

* * *

 _That smiling turtle called Michelangelo is moving funny. He's on two legs instead of four. The longer turtle, Donatello, is trying to follow his movements but he falls flat every time. The way they walk looks painful. I don't want to do it._

 _The big black and white thing is talking but I don't listen. What's the point in listening when you can't reply?_

 _But then the turtle named Leonardo walks in front of me. He was the first to walk on two legs. It was so weird but he only fell once. He was made to walk on two legs._

 _I look up at him. His mouth turns up and his eyes…those eyes seem to make my chest go thump and I don't know why. He blinks, moves his head so it looks like he's looking behind me, and then leaves._

 _I follow him with my eyes. His steps are not clumsy. They are full of- what is that word that the black and white thing used- confidence. Then I see his open foot, or I guess it's a hand now. It is open wide like its waiting for me. And Leonardo is moving slow enough to let me catch up…_

 _I move my little legs as fast as I can to catch that hand. And when I finally grab it, Leo gently tugs me up to my feet. My legs shake and my steps are wobbly but Leonardo doesn't let me fall. He guides me. I know what I want to be as I grow. I want to be like Leonardo. He's going to be my first word. He's going to be my everything. I swear on it._

 _I pinky promise._

* * *

"Master Splinter…did Leo help me walk?"

Father opens his eyes," Where did you hear that?"

"I dreamt it."

Splinter nods, then stands from his meditation," A dream. It seems you have dreamed a memory."

Something in me lightens up." Leo taught me to walk."

"Yes. You never let me help you. You absolutely refused. But Leonardo was everything to you. He helped you walk. And he was your first word even though you called him Weo instead of Leo."

I smile, half-heartedly," So, he was…he was…"

Splinter finishes," Your hero. Most boys wish to be like their fathers when they grow up. But you…" he shakes his head, "You did everything to be just like him."

"Funny how things changed."

"Indeed."

"I wish I was young again."

Splinter laughs," Don't we all."

Mikey calls from the front seconds later," Guys, April's here!"

Splinter and I look at each other, than make our way to the front where April is setting a big bag on the floor and Donnie and Mikey are gleaming at them. After we sit, we get our gifts.

April gave Splinter a cell phone. She said it would work better than the cheese phone and she's probably right. She gave Mikey a flat pill hat. He put it on and now he's rapping to everything he says. Don received a picture of her and him at her apartment. It looks like it's a selfie they took a while back. And I got, well, a phone. April says that I need to hang onto it and to answer it the minute it rings. She doesn't tell me why but whatever, man.

Then we give April her gifts. Splinter gave her a new tessan. Don is giving her a gold ring with a diamond. April just smiled at him. Shell he's an idiot sometimes. Mikey made her an award out of pizza. It said 'Best Sister Ever.' April eyes the pizza slowly rotting away. I managed to get her an anklet. I know she's been wanting one so it totally worked out. I bleached it when I found it so it's a bit faded but she still liked it.

Finally, she brings out the big guns. As she's handing Donnie his gift, he says, "Say, did Casey get you this necklace?" He sounds bitter.

I look over at April as she rubs the silver and sparkling blue necklace. "This? No. Casey got me tickets for a concert. This is specially engraved…from Leo."

I smile," I knew he wouldn't leave us out."

"Engraved." Donnie says," What does it say?"

April winks." Now that's my little secret. Now open yours up. I wanna see what he got you."

I turn to Donnie, "Will you start the unwrapping?"

Donnie smirks," With pleasure."

He tears open the small box and his eyes bulge. "Oh, shell! Leo, you dog."

"What is it, Don?"

Donnie holds up a small silver square." It's a microchip. A personality chip for Metalhead. That sneaky guy. How on Earth did he get his hands on this? And look! It's engraved, too!"

April just smiles and turns to Mikey," Let's see yours, Mike."

Mikey has one medium sized box and a floppy wrapped gift. Mikey tears open the box. His eyes light up as he pulls out pure black and silver nunchakus! "DUDE, THIS IS SO RAD!"

"Is it engraved?" Don asks.

Mikey nods, "Yeah, on the handles."

"Open the other one, Mike," April says.

Mikey rips up the paper as he grins like a crazy clown," There Robo Mecha Force Five comics! And in special edition _and_ Japanese!"

Mikey rubs his face on the comics, practically French kissing them. Yuck.

Splinter picks up his huge box. It's just in cardboard, but I don't think he cares. Splinter opens it and stops.

"Sensei," I say as he stares, shaking.

Tears cloud his eyes as he says," Oh my, boy. How did you manage this?"

Slowly he pull out a purple silk kimono. Splinter sniffs it and almost sobs. Then he takes out an old, ragged scroll. He opens it and traces whatever is on it. And last he brings out three pictures. I recognize the woman in all three to be his wife, Tang Shen. One has her shoving cake in a man's face. The other, the two are dancing. And the last is of Shen in a hospital holding a baby. By now, Splinter is sobbing.

"Master Splinter…"Mikey croaks.

"What's wrong?" April ends.

Sensei shakes his head, "Nothing. These things…they're…they're all Shens."

"Your wife's?" April says.

Splinter nods," Yes. Oh, Leonardo, how did you find these? How did you know?"

Leo seems to be a mystery today, how he found and actually _payed_ for all these things. Now it's my turn to see what he got me.

As I open the thin box, I watch Splinter out of the corner of my eye as he flips over a picture and feels what must be an engraving.

I flip open the sliver covered box and my mouth drops. The most perfect, most beautiful Sai's gleam up at me. Their black and up the blade are sliver katakana. I hold the Sai, reading the engraving again and again.

 _I made a promise and I broke it. But one thing I can't break is my brotherhood with you. I 'm sorry. Forgive me._

 _I'm sorry. Forgive me._

 _Forgive me._

"Raph, are you okay?"

I look up at my family. I realize that I'm laughing in a very weird way. I rub at my eyes as I say," He…he says to forgive him. Really, it should be me begging him to forgive me."

Donnie smiles sadly," Raph, to be honest, I think he wants us all to forgive him. He put those two words on all of our gifts."

"But…he didn't…"

"See it from this way, Raph. Leo left us. He blames himself. We're the ones who drove him away. So we blame ourselves. It's a big circle."

"A circle can be cut though-"

"In this case, though, Raph, there is only one who can cut it open."

I stop talking. Donnie's right. There is only one who can slice this circle of pain open.

And it's Leo himself.

* * *

Dear Leo,

You got me those Sai's. Thanks. When are you coming home?

 _WHAT AM I DOING?!_


	17. Are we Twins?

**Chapter 16: Are We Twins?**

Mikey's been looking at me like I'm a stranger. It's been two months since Christmas. Technically, it's Valentine's Day (to Mikey, Valentimes day).

Ever since I got those presents, I've been smiling. Day, night, patrol, sleeping, training, watching TV, anytime! It's been scaring Mikey. I think it helps Splinter though. He's smiling again.

Every time April comes down, she asks me if I have that phone on me. Every time I do. I'm scared of what she'd do to me if I didn't.

Casey started coming down after the New Year. New Year, new start, right. We are still tense around each other but we're slowly reverting back to our old ways, which I'm happy about. I'd never say it to anyone's face but I've kinda missed Casey after these two months.

Since today is Valentine's Day, Casey and April are out on a quote "Special outing." Donnie is being a crab and is holed up in his lab making something that will, another quote, "Blow Casey's gift out of the water."

Sensei is surrounding himself with Shen's stuff in the dojo so there's no training today. Mikey and I are sitting in the kitchen eating ice cream while watching Ice Cream Kittie tackles a roach. Luckily, I'm by the fridge, not at the table.

Mikey pokes the bowl as he watches the cat swallow the roach then spit it out of his gut," It's cool that Donnie's got some body to love."

"I wouldn't call it love," I say, "more like stalking is what he's doing."

Mikey smiles, "Is that what Mona's doing? Stocking you?"

I fling my spoon at him," All she did was send me a card, Mikey-"

"And a picture. I saw it on your locker next to that crumpled picture of Leo."

I force myself not to throw the bowl, too. "Stay out of my room, you nosy little-"

 _Unconditional! Unconditionally! I will love you unconditionally!_

I stop mid-sentence. Mikey freezes, the ice cream on his spoon halfway up to his mouth. After a few seconds Mikey whispers, "What the shell is that?"

The phone! It's the phone April gave me! It's ringing! Why is it ringing!?

" _Raph, the minute this phone rings, answer it. Believe me, you'll have yourself if you don't."_

The second those words hit my brain, I snatch for the phone, banging my arm against the cupboard and nearly dropping the phone in the process.

As I rub my arm, I answer it as the last words of the song play, "Hello."

"Geez, I thought that somebody who missed me would answer faster than that."

My knee's buckle and I almost hit the floor, the world spinning. Mikey jumps to his feet as I fall into the table," Raph, what's wrong?"

The world is spinning, my heart pounding so hard. I feel like I'm hyperventilating. Leo keeps going, "It is Valentine's Day there right? I was planning on calling then."

I hiccup," Y-y-yeah. It's V-V-Valentine's Day."

"Oh, good. I was hoping-"All of a sudden he's screaming in Japanese. A gentle voice yells back. Leo laughs and it makes my heart jump. His voice is deeper. It sounds…strange.

Leo returns, trails of laughter following him, "So, how are you, Raphie?"

 _Raphie_. Oh, shell…

I can barely speak," I-I'm good. Leo, how…what…where-"

"Aw, none of that's important-"

"IMPORTANT!" I hiss, my anger coming to me full force, just like the old days, "Leo, you've been gone for, like, EIGHT MONTHES! I want to know where you are, how you are, and- WHO IS THAT VOICE?!"

Leo is back to laughing and there's a voice talking to him. The same kind one from earlier. Leo chokes as he talks, "Sorry, Raph, I'm calling from my dojo. I was talking to a friend of mine. I'll send a picture of us later. Dude, you would not believe how tall I am! I'm, like, taller than Splinter now! And my friend, he's, like, shorter than you! And…"

I just let Leo ramble on and on. He sounds happy and I love hearing his voice no matter if it's so deep it's a bass instrument. I have to stop him a few times because he starts speaking in Japanese and I have no idea what he's saying. The accent in his voice is thick. It's almost like he's lived in Japan his whole life.

In my brain, I made a list of what Leo was telling me. He lives in a hidden village only an hour from Tokyo. He has a Sensei who loves to whack people with a bamboo staff. He has three new friends. A rabbit who can match Leo square on with a Katana named Usagii. An Artic Fox who loves to dance named Yuki, classic, and another turtle named Jerith. Jerith is from the city. He's got a fire tattoo from when he was with a gang but he has a heart of gold. Jerith is the one screaming in the background and Usagii is the one with the kind voice. They are the double personages in our one-person talking conversation. Every few seconds Leo laughs at something Jerith says then tells me he's proud to have a friend like him.

He goes on about how beautiful it is and how he wishes I could see it. Eventually, he stops for a breather and says, "So, how's life at home?"

I almost don't answer. Between him talking about everything in Japan to talking to Jerith, I can never tell if he's talking to me or not. Usually, that would tick me off but he's here, on the phone. I can't get mad. If I do, I might lose him all over again.

"Um…it's…its good. Splinter's doing great. Mike and Don are fine."

I don't mention me. If I do, something might slip out that I don't want to. But Leo catches my reluctance anyway.

"And you?"

I bite my lip, "I'm fine."

"Raphie, I know when you're lying."

Now I wish that Jerith guy would say something to Leo. But there is no savior this time.

"I…um…can I tell you later? When I'm ready?"

"Yeah," he says so gently, my heart skips a beat,"Yeah, you can. Hey, Raph, I didn't ravage through Splinter's room for a reason. I want you to go and find that reason, okay."

A reason? "Um…okay. I will. Should I know what I'm looking for?"

"You'll know when you see it."

Before I can say anything, a high nasal-like voice yells something in Japanese. Leo says one more minute then yelps. I'm gonna say that he was hit with a bamboo stick.

The phone buzzes, then Leo says," Listen, Raph, I've gotta go."

 _Go_! My mind shrieks. _You just called! Don't go! WE have so much to discuss_!

He keeps going, "My Sensei's gonna beat me in my sleep if I don't get off so, yeah."

I hold in an urge to say to rebel but say instead," Okay." I don't want to go. I want this to last forever," I'll let you go, Leo. Go, you dork, go…"

Leo laughs, "Thanks, buddy. Listen, I'll call-"

"I love you, Leo," I blurt.

My heart pounds like it never pounds before. It's not done. Not like this. Not between us. "I really miss you, Leo. And…I really love you. Love you as much as a brother can."

CRAP! I'm crying.

"Yeah… Raph," he says, his voice cracking, "I…I…"

He hangs up. I look at that phone, the world slowly coming into focus. Mikey is watching me in interest. Slowly, I fall to my knees and cry.

* * *

I go to Splinter's room as soon as he goes to talk to Donnie. I sneak in, making sure I'm as silent as I can be.

I have waited two hours since the call to see what Leo was talking about. During that time, Leo sent me a picture of him wearing black. He was right. He has gotten _tall_. To his right is a big buff kid with a blue beanie, a black sweatshirt and wholly pants. They have their arms around each other. On his right is a beautiful white fox in probably ten inch heels, very tight black jeans and a black leather jacket. In front of Leo, only up to his waist is a pure white bunny, holding out a katana. He's in brown loose pants and a blue shirt. They are standing in front of a bonfire. I can see a Japanese house behind it. The one thing I had noticed was that they all had blue eyes.

Splinter's room is relatively clean. It's a bit dusty, but nothings on the floor.

What does Leo want me to do? Go through Splinter's closet, drawers and under his bed in only a few minutes? I can't do that! I wouldn't even be able to get through his clos-

There's a picture on Splinter's night stand that I have never seen before. I creep toward it, something about the two smiling faces so familiar. The wood frame is smooth on my fingers and the glass is cold. I look at this picture and everything in me collapses into understanding, clicking into place.

The pic is about two boys, sticking out their tongues at the camera and their only five years old. There both limed skin, blue-eyed, yellow plastroned and the same height. If you darken the left one's skin and put him up a few inches, then change the other eyes to green and darken the others plastron, they would look different. But right now, the only difference is that the one on the right has a crack in his plastron.

The longer I stare, the sooner a memory comes from deep in me. It's one I can't believe I can just dig up, but its' there and it makes me so happy.

* * *

 _Something beautiful._

 _That's the first thing I see as I shove out of that hard thing I was in. Something is looking at me. Their eyes are a dark color that reminds me of that hard thing but lighter so it's pretty._

 _Something thumps inside me and fast. This thing is pretty, the most beautiful I have seen yet. I want to say something in me makes me want to stay around him, be with him._

 _"Whoa," Something deep says, "look at that! These two are twins!"_

 _They're talking about me and this thing. I know it._

 _As the thing starts moving away, I follow him. I won't let this thing leave me. It's mine. All mine._

 _He's mine._

 _I know he is._

* * *

"We're twins," I whisper, hugging the picture to me," Leo…we're twins."

"Identical twins, to be exact."

I jump, the picture falling from my grip and clattering to the floor. Splinter stand behind me, his new staff in hand.

"Sensei," I bow.

He motions me up, then walks over to the picture and picks it up. "It took me hours to get you two to settle down enough so that I could take a simple picture. When I finally did, you two only allowed a two minute window. But, still, the picture turned out well.

I bite my lip, "Where was Mikey and Donnie? When we were hatched, I mean. Wouldn't they be out fraternal or where they identical like us?"

Splinter smiles," Funny story. Michelangelo and Donatello were both born months after you two. They are fraternal twins but still younger than you two."

"So…me and Leo, we didn't know we were twins."

"No, you did not." Splinter sets the picture on his bed, then looks at me in the eye. "You two didn't care that you looked alike. Then, as you grew older, you two changed. There are still a few identical things between you. Your sense of direction. Your ambition. The way you both run. It's in sync. All of it is. Even when you eat cereal together, I come in and if you're not talking, your both bring the spoons up at the same time. And I always found it odd that you two never noticed."

I blink, look around his room, and then say cautiously," So…you're not mad at me for being in your room."

Splinter bursts into laughter, one that's half-hearted. "No, Raphael. When I saw this on my floor all those months ago, I knew Leonardo wanted you to see it. It was just a matter of when."

I nod, then say what I know Splinter will want to hear, "He called me."

His eyes turn light and I know he's proud," What did he say?

I smile and we both sit on his bed, me cross-legged, him angled so he can face me. And I begin, "Well, he's in Japan, outside Tokyo…"

* * *

Leo,

I miss you so much, you know. It's weird to say that, because I never think that way. I think of you a lot. But I always thought it was you and me, and then Mikey and Donnie. With you gone, it's like you hate me. You don't love me like I love you.

I'm mad at you, you know, for leaving. You chose to leave. What were you thinking?! You could have come back and you didn't.

I guess I had to tell you that. I want to tell you all about Donnie and Mikey and Sensei and why I'm writing to you.

I want to tell you how well I'm doing in training. I want to tell you about my relationship with Mona Lisa. Remember her?

Anyway, I'm so good at ninjitsu now, that Sensei says I'm almost like you. That makes me happy because it was like _you_ were proud of me.

Maybe I'll give you this letter someday. Someday. Maybe I'll stick it under your pillow so you can read it when you get home.

I want you to know this: I love you. I miss you. I hope you still know me, even if I'm growing. I will always be your ototo. You will always be my ani. I wish you didn't go.

Love, Raphie

P.S. Did you know we are twins? Cause we are! We are true blood brothers!


	18. Secrets and Suprises

**Chapter 17: Secrets and Surprises**

The part that I can't handle is everything. Leo call me every night. I would wait for that call to come all day. Then, when he would hang up, I could feel myself sink. Sink back to where I was in the beginning when he left.

Sensei has talked to him. So has Donnie. Mikey refuses to. Says he talked to him enough. That concludes it for me. Mikey's been talking to Leo behind our backs for the past few months. I don't confront him though. I will wait 'til Mikey or Leo tell me themselves.

It's been two months since the first call. And Leo has only missed three days out of them all. He misses me. He wouldn't call this much if he didn't. Somehow, that makes me feel special.

I ask him questions about his life, his friends. He asks about us, about Splinter, and Mona, and Karai. I can't answer straight out with Karai and Shredder. I have only seen them twice in all the time Leo's been gone.

Every time I see them or think of them, it scares me. We don't have Leo here to guide us anymore. And when Shredder isn't active for long periods of time, I worry he's gone off to hunt down Leo. And now that I know where Leo is, I worry even more. He's hidden in the heart of Shredder's territory.

Maybe…in a crazy way…it's the safest place…

"Hey, Raphie."

I look over at Mikey and Donnie. They're smiling, jabbing each other as we stare out over the city, its hum washing right back to us.

Mikey holds his finger to Donnie's nostril as the genius snorts, half-laughing, half-gurgling," We got a surprise for ya' when we get home. What do ya' think of that?"

I push him toward Mikey, nearly ramming him into Mikey's awaiting finger. "I think I don't like surprises."

"Oh, yeah," Mikey challenges," What about the Sais and motorcycle you got for Christmas?"

"Or the surprise Valentine's Day call from Leo?" Donnie adds in.

I roll my eyes," Sure, they were fine, but surprises are still…over rated."

"Overrated? That's the word you decide to use."

We all freeze. I haven't heard that voice in ages. Neither has Donnie and Mikey. We don't turn from our places on the roof. She continues.

"I wish to speak with him."

"Well, you can't," I reply, hate bitterly pouring over me.

"I know you have that phone-"

"Doesn't mean I'll let you touch it."

She's silent. I hear Mikey inhale, then I see Karai's legs settle next to mine. I refuse to acknowledge her.

"Does he ask about me?" She asks in a whisper. I can hear the hope in her deceiving voice. I hate it _and_ her.

"Where's your father?" I hiss back.

"Not here. That's all you need to know," she replies.

"I would, actually, like to know."

"Answer my question."

"No."

"Raph," Donnie whispers tensely, "maybe you should-"

"No!"

Karai snags my shoulder and tugs me so I'm looking at her. Her eyes are furious and tear-filled. Through clamped teeth, she says, "He sent me things, Raphael. He sent me Hamato Yoshi's and my father's records. And he highlighted one thing. That Shen, my mother, was married to _Yoshi_ not _Saki_. I want to talk to him. Now."

It doesn't faze me, "I don't care what he did. You are not touching that phone."

She slaps me as hard as she can. I feel the phone slip from my pocket and I almost curse. She's swift on her feet, and halfway across the roof in one leap.

"No, Raph, let her call!" Donnie hollers but he can't catch me. I'm already on my feet, charging before Don snags my arm.

Seconds before I can touch her, she chirps, "Hi, Leo. Guess who gave me the phone."

No! She didn't' just say _give_!

I swipe at her hand but she dodges me. I yell, "LEO, I DIDN'T GIVE IT TO HER! SHE TOOK IT!"

She pauses, then laughs," Yeah, Raph's yellin'. He thinks I'm stupid, did you know that?"

"CAUSE SHE IS!" I protest.

Leo laughs and it makes me squirm. I miss that laugh…

I hear Leo say something, then Karai says, "Leo, you sent me files on my parents and…listen, where did you get those? Are those really real?"

I roll my eyes and look at my brothers. Donnie is staring at the phone like a hawk. Mikey is looking at his own shellcell, most likely playing a game. If anyone is gonna help me get the phone back it's Donnie, but I don't think he's gonna move unless she takes off.

Which leaves me _alone_.

I snatch for the phone quickly. She dodges faster. I swipe again. She dances across the roof in quick steps.

I see Donnie stand out of the corner of my eye. At least he's up now. Karai glares at Donnie, but continues to talk to Leo. "I want proof, Leo. And I'm gonna get it. Sending me papers means nothing…Yeah, it will!...Watch me!"

Finally, she hangs up! She chucks the phone at me. I have to jump up to catch it. "You're brother needs to be put down!" She hisses.

I snort, "So do you. So do the world a favor and leave."

Karai flips her hair," I'll find your brother. And you better hope he doesn't tick me off."

With that, she's gone.

"Stupid chick," I grumble, dropping the phone into my pocket.

Mikey finally gets off his phone and says, "So you ready for your surprise?"

I'm still boiling over Karai but if Leo calls, I don't want to scream at him. Maybe the surprise will cheer me up.

I sigh," Yeah, sure. Let's see it."

Donnie shakes himself out of his stupor and we head on home. When we near the door, and I'm halfway to calm, Mikey turns back to me and says, "Okay. Before we give it to you, you have to promise not to get mad."

That makes something in me tick, "Why would I be mad?"

Mikey taps his fingers, shyly," I may have used your journal for something."

"WHAT!?"

Mikey and Donnie bolt into the lair. I go after, my familiar taste of hatred and anger filling my mouth. They touched my journal! AND READ IT! THOSE ARE MY LETTERS! WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY WANT-

Sensei steps in front of me as I try to get to the kitchen.

"Sensei?" I squeak.

Splinter smiles and holds out an envelope. It's thin but as I turn it over, I feel my face go hot.

It is from Japan with a cherry blossom stamp. It's to April's address but I know it's for me.

I just stare at it. Splinter gently pushes me into the kitchen. I look up. Mikey, Donnie and Sensei come together all holding letters.

"Wha…?"

Donnie smiles," We didn't mean to get into your stuff. But as soon as Mikey found them, he copied them and gave them to us. He sent them to Leo so he could see them, too. It really opened another door, Raph. And Leo…he replied back."

Replied?

"Go on," Mikey chirps, "see what he said."

I glance at the envelope. It doesn't look tampered with but that doesn't mean it wasn't.

I tug the envelope open and take out a rice paper, conji filled paper that is covered with ink trees.

I read and I feel everything over whelm me. Shell, I really need to get a hold of myself.

"What does it say, Raphael?" Splinter asks.

I cough and look at my family, "The one thing I wanted him to say. He loves me."

* * *

Hey, ototo,

I saw those letters you wrote. Honestly, I wish I had saw those earlier. But I'll get to that later. They (April and Mikey) also sent me a picture. I never knew you had that pic. The one with me in the tree, I mean. You take good pictures, you know that.

I'm well, Raph. I'm happy. I have friends. I have a home. I have you. I have you back. And…we're better. You may not see it, Raphie, but this experience was meant to help us become the brothers we're supposed to be. You will see it, bro. Someday.

Believe me, it's been no cake walk for me either. When I got here, all I could think of was you guys. I still do. It was a nightmare. I assume you know of my attempt of suicide. I know of yours and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I really am.

Raph, I wish you were here. It's beautiful. And you'd love it. It's not too quiet and not too busy. The noise of the city's whispers during the day and it's quiet at night. A little weird since we've grown up under a subway. No Shredder. No Purple Dragons. Only our enemies across the valley. When I get home, ototo, I promise, whenever I leave for Japan, I'll ask you to come with me.

I love you, Raph. As much as a brother can. You believe that. I am thinking and believing in you every day. Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for being my twin. Aishite imas.

Love, Leo


	19. I'm Coming Home

**Chapter 18: I'm Coming Home**

"You're seriously doing this! Are you insane?!"

I shove another bandana in my blue and black duffel bag, rolling my eyes at Mikey's question. This is the fifth time in the past hour he's asked that.

"Yes, Mikey, I'm going. I know where Leo is now. And I now he wants to see me now, too."

"What if you get there and he doesn't mean it. What if you make it worse?"

I stop. I didn't think of that.

"He won't."

I turn to Sensei who stands in the threshold. Donnie stops spinning on my drum set stool and Mikey looks at the door.

"Sensei," we whisper.

"Go, Raphael. It was Leonardo's time to leave when he did. It's your turn. Leonardo wants you. Go. See him. But stay in touch."

I smile. "Thank you, Sensei."

Donnie gaps," Wow. You're letting him go just like that."

"Don't get any ideas, Donatello. You two are far from ready to leave."

I laugh at Don's face but I know it's a pretend pout.

"When's your plane taking off?" Don asks.

I shrug," Tomorrow morning."

"And you'll come visit, right." Mikey asks.

"Of course, Mike."

"And you'll bring Leo."

"He'd probably bring his whole heard with him, but, yeah, I'd bring him."

Splinter says," Casey also texted saying he was coming to say good-bye. He should be here after school gets out."

I nod," Okay." We haven't fixed everything. There's some unspoken things I need to fix with Casey. But when have we ever really spoken to each other.

Mikey leaves in a huff and Splinter wanders off. Donnie is the only one who stays. As I zip up the bag, he asks," You're really going, huh?"

I sigh," Yes, Don, I'm really going."

He grunts, "Okay…Raphie, when you see Leo, will you do something for me?"

I look at him," Sure, Don. What is it?"

He picks at the seat before he speaks. When he does, he sounds nervous. "Will you give him the miracle book and…um… a slap?"

I pause," A slap?"

Don shrugs," You know…because he left us."

I smile at that," Yeah, Don. I'll deliver the message."

Don nods," Good. Thanks, Raph. Love ya'." Then he's gone.

'Till four I spend time with my family by playing video games. I nearly nail Splinter in the head with the controller before Casey comes in and we go for a walk.

As we go, we don't say a word. Casey keeps ringing his hands 'til we finally talk.

He says," I'm…um…sorry."

I snort. "Sorry. When do you ever say that?"

Casey sighs," I thought you'd get your head out of your hole if you knew Leo wouldn't come back. I thought he'd go off and kill himself so that's why I said that. I believed if you knew he'd go off himself, you'd do the same. Turns out, you tried anyway."

I shrug," That's then, dude. Everything's cool now."

Casey nods," Okay. Just being sure. When you coming back?"

"Whenever Leo decides to come home."

"What if that's never?"

"It won't be. Once he sees me, he'll have to go see Mike and Don."

"You sure?"

"Um-hm."

We're quiet. Case stops under a grate and looks up. I do, too. People walk by, the sun still high in the sky. We stare for a long time. It soothes me…

"What am I gonna do without you, Raph?" Casey groans.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I say.

"Who's gonna smash Dragon skulls with me? Or hang at the ice rink after dark?" He sighs," I'm gonna miss ya', Raph."

I choke a little, but clearly say," Back at you, Case. Back at you…"

* * *

Dear Leo,

Are you ready to come home? I'm really happy that you are. It sounded like you were in that letter you gave me.

But, I want to come to you.

I want to see Japan. It will be good for me. It'll just be the two of us. Like I wanted. We'll be twins again. We'll be in sync.

We'll be together.

I miss you. I know that you miss me, and that you love me and that you want to see me. I promise that I will come to you really soon. I want us to be brothers. I want it. I'm ready to leave the nest, too. Please wait for me. I hope your well, and your life is going smooth. Get ready for me over there, cause I'm coming.

I love you, Ani.

Love, Raphie


	20. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

I leave as early as I can. I tell my family good-bye, then go to the airport. Tonight, Donnie will come with the shell raiser and pick up the shell cycle.

As I left, Mikey passed me his lucky toy, Donnie the miracle book and Splinter tells me to stay safe. I promise I will, then grabbed my bag, shoved on my helmet, zipped up my jacket and took off.

At the airport, I use my stealth to get to the plane. I hide out in the luggage section and when everything is in, I fall asleep to the plane taking off and Leo singing me to him.

I'm almost there, Leo.

I'm almost home.

* * *

 _Bong._

 _"All passengers, please fasten your seat belts. We will be arriving in Los Angeles momentarily."_

I hate taking two flights. I'd have taken the one way plane to Tokyo if Shredder wasn't monitoring my credit card. This is the only way I can get my answers.

"Ma'am," the plane has landed. I turn to the flight attendant. "You can exit the plane now."

I just stare at her, then gather my stuff. I didn't even notice the plane land. That shows how distracted I am. As I exit, I take out the letter he sent me.

Don't worry, Leo. I'll make this _easy_ on you…

* * *

Karai,

Go 20 miles north of Tokyo. Get on a deer path and follow it. If you want answers, you will follow these directions. I'm expecting to see you soon. And without any funny business.

Have safe travels. I'll be waiting with the proof in hand. Good luck.

Love, Leo


	21. Note

**A/N: I am sorry to announce that I will be unable to do a sequel for Love, Raphie. I had planned on one called Love, Leo, but it cannot come into fruition due to activity's happening in this current and next year. If anyone would like to take on the sequel, they may and I thank all readers for supporting this story and I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Till the next story, The Next Author's oath.**


	22. Note 2

**A/N: I am sorry to announce that I will be unable to do a sequel for Love, Raphie. I had planned on one called Love, Leo, but it cannot come into fruition due to activity's happening in this current and next year. If anyone would like to take on the sequel, they may and I thank all readers for supporting this story and I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Till the next story, The Next Author's oath.**


End file.
